It has been awhile since I have written here..... Ian's 2nd birthday was last Thursday.  We decided to take the kids to the zoo to celebrate his and Haiden's birthdays and to keep our minds occupied.  It was a day of laughter and remembrance. The zoo was the first place that I ever felt Ian moving so it was only fitting that we went back.  I did so well....I was sad...but no major melt downs...I still can't believe that it has been 2 years since I held him in my womb.


After Haiden's party on Saturday, I took the kids outside to run off some energy.  They picked a bunch of "flowers" (you know those little purple things that take over your yard every year) and decided to put them on Ian's bench <3.  Brycen was so angry that the bench was dirty. I have to admit, it really was...he told me "Mama, this is Ian's grave, and it shouldn't look like this!" I tried to tell him that it was just a bench that we got to sit on when we wanted to think about Ian and he told me "No! It's his grave in our yard! So we can put flowers on it to remember him!" I have to admit this little comment did me A LOT of good....I have always struggled with not having somewhere to go to put flowers for Ian.  Brycen had the right idea.  Its not the place...its the thought, the gesture, and the love, that makes it special.  So, as I pondered this Brycen got his bubbles and blew bubbles on the bird poo to "clean it off".  He is such an awesome little kid!  He finds ways to be a big brother to Ian all the time!  The world could use a lot more Brycen's :)

randomness..... :)

So....if I ever tell you I'm going to start exercising.....don't listen to me ;)  I lie, when it comes to that :)  I will, however say that I gave up soda (I'm a HUGE Coke junkie!!!) for Lent.  And that is going really well!  I haven't had a coke since before Valentine's day.  And honestly, I feel better.

In my last post, I talked about a turning point in my life....I can honestly say that I'm healing so much more now that I have forgiven myself.  I will always miss my Ian, but I feel like a burden has been lifted!  Like I don't have to be ashamed anymore (not that there was anything to be ashamed about, anyway).  The 11th made 23 months since we lost Ian.....23 months!  I'm usually so distraught on the 11th of every month...but this month was different.  I thought of him (but that's not anything new) but I did with a smile on my face.  It was an odd feeling....but a welcome one.  I think this has been the craziest 'ride' I have ever been on.  I have felt like I have fully healed SO many times, just to turn around and have a series of bad days.....but I have had a peace lately that I haven't felt in a very, very long time....

Today was a turning point for me.  In church our pastor talked about forgiveness....I honestly thought that I had finally come to terms and realized that I was not to blame for Ian's passing.  But today, I realized I still needed to forgive myself.  All this time I have been blaming my body for failing me, being angry at myself for not delivering and having the D&C....I also realize that all the stress eating that I have been doing...has actually been me punishing myself. I felt ugly and dirty....so my body needed to match.  I'm going to re-evaluate my eating habits and FINALLY look into joining a gym, and getting healthy.  It won't be easy.  I've never been a healthy eater (I've never been this big either though) so I know I'm going to have to work at it.  Pray for me :) I'm going to need it!

It's been a while since I've posted anything....how are things going for us?....  I'm having many good days and the bad days are down to bad hours (most of the time anyway).  I still miss my Ian.  I always will.  I will always regret not delivering and holding him, I will always wonder what happened....and I will always cherish those few months that I carried him within me.  No one can ever take that away from me.  People can say 'well at least you didn't carry him to term, just to have him die' or 'at least you have 2 other children at home'.....BUT there is nothing that any one can say that will take away those 15 weeks.  They weren't all butterflies and rainbows, many of them were quite awful actually (morning sickness sucks) but they are all that I have left of him.  In those few months I held my son.  I had hopes and dreams for him.  I 'talked' to him.  My son and husband 'talked' to him.  We loved him the best that we know how.......my niece just miscarried.  She was 11 weeks along.  She is young.  But she was so excited to be a mommy!  She had hopes and dreams for her little one.  She talked to him/her.  She loved that little one the best that she knew how.  And now all she has left is a few memories and sonogram pictures.  It sucks!  I wish that she didn't have to experience the heartache!  Life for her wouldn't have been easy as a young mother....but regardless of age, it's heartbreaking.  It's a pain that I don't wish on anyone....

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday

(posted straight from my Facebook page-it's the 'article' I told you about a few weeks ago)

This coming Sunday (Jan. 20th) is the Sanctity of Human Life Sunday.  What is this you ask?

History (this is from wikipedia)
On January 13, 1984 proclamation, President Ronald Reagan designated January 22, 1984 as the first National Sanctity of Human Life Day. The date was chosen to coincide with the 11th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case that first recognized the constitutionally-protected status of abortion in the United States. Reagan issued the proclamation annually thereafter, designating Sanctity of Human Life Day to be the third Sunday in January, which represents the closest Sunday to the original January 22 date. His successor, George H. W. Bush, continued the annual proclamation throughout his presidency[2]. Bush's successor, Bill Clinton, discontinued the practice throughout his eight years in office, but Bush's son and Clinton's successor, George W. Bush, resumed the proclamation, and did so every year of his presidency.


As most of you know.... I am pro-life.  Some of you know this...and some of you may not...but when I first found out that I was pregnant with Ian...I was devastated   I was DONE....this was not the plan that I had for my life!  But, it was God's plan!  The moment I found out I was expecting again, I literally sunk to the floor sobbing!  I cried for about 2 weeks.  Did I still love my unborn baby then? Yes,  without a doubt!  I knew that I was going to love and take care of that baby just like I do Brycen and Haiden.  Did abortion ever cross my mind? Not once!  I CHOSE LOVE!

God had plans for Ian and I....I just didn't know what they were at the time.  Who knew that Ian's short little life would impact the life of families all over the U.S., Canada, England, and even Australia ....as I type this 182+ packages have reached the hands of grieving families....all in memory of a child that, according to society, never existed   In the U.S.  for a baby to receive a birth certificate or even a DEATH certificate the mother must be at least 20 weeks along.  My Ian was 15 weeks gestation. He had a heartbeat ,his arms and legs were fully developed (just extremely tiny), his kidneys produced urine,  he could even suck his thumb,(babycenter.com, week 14-15)....but yet, he wasn't a baby.  The papers that we had to sign as a consent form....called him tissue. Not exactly the most comforting word is it?

My reason for this isn't to scold anyone who has ever had an abortion....it's not my place to judge.  God doesn't want me to show hatred, he wants me to show others the same love that He shows everyone.  I'm not going to show a million pro-life videos, or post graphic pictures....however I will say this: Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you....(this is the Message translation).  This verse shows us that God knows us BEFORE we are born...who are we to decide who should and should not be born....

So this Sunday, at church around the alter (or in your seat), or even at home, I encourage every one to pray.  Not just for the babies that are being aborted....but for the mothers as well.  They do not deserve our hate, we do not know what their situation is.....lets show them the love and mercy that God has shown us. Lets all pray that God will redirect their path and they will chose life instead.

Ok, a while back I said that any time I was going to post (especially an entire post) about my living children I would give a warning of sorts....I do this because I know how extremely sensitive I was when I first lost Ian.  I created this space because I wanted to have a 'safe' place to vent and express my grief and hopefully let others know that they are not alone, and that's why Brycen and Haiden are not usually mentioned on my blog.  So tonight I want to 'warn' you that tonight is all about Brycen <3 (however it is 'relevant' to the blog)


Brycen is 7 years old now!  I can't believe how quickly he is growing up.  He is such a compassionate child!  He amazes me daily with his love for others and wisdom beyond his years, however he isn't the greatest student. ( He has ADD.  We fought it and denied it for about a year and a half.  But his grades were dropping fast so we finally broke down and got him on a low dosage of  Aderall.  And now his grades are rising and he is reading so much better.....I am extremely proud of him!!! ) His wisdom comes from the things he tells us.  Things that 7 year old boys usually know nothing about....
 
   The other night we went to Chick- Fila for dinner and this family comes in with a baby, about 9 months old or so, and Brycen tells his sister "Look Haiden, there's a baby.  You like babies" and Haiden said "I LOOOOVVVEEE babies" and Brycen looks at his Daddy and then at me and says "I do too.  Babies are special. You have to take care of them and love them and feed them....(then he gets an extremely sad look) but some babies never get to be born"  and then he looks at that little baby from across the room and gives him a crooked little grin, and finishes his food.  I wish that my 7 year old didn't have to experience this first hand.  I wish that he could believe that the 'stork' puts the baby in a Mommy's tummy and then in 9 months the Dr. takes it out....however, I know that one day when one of Brycen's friends or (hopefully not) his wife loses a baby, he will know what to say.  Brycen knows more of what to say than most adults do.  Not because we've drilled it into his head, but because he's a very compassionate and asks questions and we have always answered those questions to the best of our ability.

   Tonight, as I was tucking Bryce into bed, I told him to say his prayers. He said "you can say them for me" I compromised and said you say alittle and then I'll say the rest....he said the sweetest prayer!  He always does.  He always thanks God for everything...and rarely asks Him for anything.....so as he's praying he said "....and thank you,God,for taking care of our Ian"  this blew me away.  We have told Brycen that Ian is in Heaven.  When he asks if his brother is ok and happy we make sure that we tell him that Ian is in a much better place than we are...but we've never exactly said that God was taking care of Ian. And we've never mentioned Ian in our prayers (we have in our own personal prayers but not the prayers that we pray with Brycen), so I was really stunned that he mentioned his brother in his prayer.  It was one of those proud mommy moments.....the kind that makes your heart melt just alittle more...and makes you realize that at that moment they could get away with murder, just for being so cute!   I love the fact, that Brycen loves his brother!  And the fact that he loves God! I also love the fact that God chose me to be his Mommy <3

2 videos...

I would like to share our slide show that we posted on facebook on here as well.....there are 112 babies recognized in this video....while I'm honored that  we were able to recognize these tiny lives....I'm extremely saddened.  A few of the mother's shared some of their story with us....and while every woman had a different story to tell.....we all share a common bond, the love for a child that was taken from us much too soon.  Some of the babies lived for only a few weeks gestation...some were full term babies.... some a few months old, lost to SIDS....and even one precious little girl that passed at the tender age of 2...my heart aches for each of these families!  Some women told us that this was the 1st time that their precious baby was being recognized at all. I hate how society treats grieving mothers....they tell us to move on with our lives....and it's just not possible.  I don't think we ever truly recover. I honestly believe that we will hold our baby's memory with us till the day we die.....no matter how long we knew them...or weather we got the chance to hold them in our arms or not...please take a few moments and remember our herd babies with us.

The other video I would like to share is of a herd of elephants grieving with a mother elephant, after her baby passed away, due to a heart defect.  It is painfully beautiful.  Notice how the other elephants touch her with their trunks....how they comfort her....how they GRIEVE with her.  It's a truly touching video.  watch it here.....