Don't judge the bereaved mother... 

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks,

she cleans, she works, she IS

but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.

A husband that loses his wife is a widower.

A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.

For there is no word to describe such pain.

-author unknown

This poem hits it right on the money....  Every since Ian passed away I've been putting on a front.  I have to be brave to the outside world.  I wake up, try to shake off the sadness, go to work, go through all the motions but my heart just isn't in it.  I try to be happy, if not for myself; for Brycen and Haiden....they deserve to have a happy mommy.  I feel guilty being sad all the time because they deserve better!  I hate that they have to see me like this.... so when the kids are occupied or sleeping.....when I think no one is looking.....that's when I let it out.  And sometimes it pours out.....and I'm sometimes afraid that it will never stop.  How do I make the pain stop? When will the bad days stop?  It's like I take 3 steps forward just to take another 2 steps back.....when do I stop going back?