still struggling......

The last few days have been awful!  I seem to have more bad moments than good ones.....at this stage in the game isn't it supposed to be the other way around?  I wake up each morning with anxiety.....its like a huge ache that just pulls me down.  It's almost "physical" sometimes......    At any point of the day I may break down.  What should I do?  James said to "move forward, not move on, just forward" makes sense but how do you move forward?  My mom suggested I go to a therapist.....and possibly get on some anti-anxiety meds....I don't want medicine!  I want my baby!!!!  I feel so alone in this....James is great, but I hate dragging him down with me. I don't want my life to consist of grief and heartache....but I don't know how to change it.  I don't know how to make the hurting stop.

 I've begun to be clingy with Brycen and Haiden lately. I don't want them out of my sight for too long.  What if something happens to them too?  I know that this isn't rational but...it's a huge fear.  I look at Haiden sometimes and I cry.  I cry because I'm happy that she's my girl and I cry because I know that I'll never get this with Ian.  Brycen is begining to learn to read.  It's so exciting!  but I feel a stab of pain knowing that I'll never hear Ian read.  Why can't I be happy for the things that the kids are doing without feeling the sadness that comes with it?  I'm so blessed to have my children  but I'm angry that I don't have all 3 here with me!  There I said it, I AM ANGRY!!!!  ANGRY AT GOD, ANGRY AT MYSELF, ANGRY AT PREGNANT WOMEN, ANGRY THAT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND ANGRY THAT I AM GOING THROUGH THIS!  I shouldn't have to be going through this!  Its not fair!!!   No one should ever have to go through this!  Why did God need my baby?  Doesn't He know that I need him too!  Doesn't He see my pain?  Up until a few days ago my faith didn't seem shaken, and in reality its still "in tact", I know that there is a God, I know that my Ian is in Heaven......but I just need to be mad!

If you've read this far "thank you" I know that it's random, but its real, and I needed to rant and get it all out there.....