So, yesterday was rough, not sure why, but it was. We went to church, went to walmart to get the kids a little kiddie pool, ate lunch, and Haiden took a nap while I assembled the pool (which is crooked, by the way) ,nothing out of the ordinary. I guess I just really missed him...... anyway, once I had the pool up, the kids and I decided to go for a "swim". I was just sitting there looking around, when I saw it. It was a beautiful blue monarch butterfly! It looked exactly like the one we saw on the day we lost him! It flew around in my yard for a while then just flew off. I wish that I had brought my camera out with me, but in reality it was a bit too far from me to get a good shot anyway...unless I chased it down. I don't know if it was a sign telling me that Ian is ok and happy or if it was just my imagination running wild....but I'm going to choose to say that it was a sign.
Last night I was reading on a blog that I follow: http://blessedbycreativejoy.blogspot.com/2011/07/everlasting-joy.html and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Ian has only known love, peace, warmth, and all things good. I've always known this but its hard to remember when you are grieving. I feel that I haven't reached the "acceptance" part of grief yet. It's a hard thing to grasp. I know that Ian isn't coming back, I get that, but I just don't want to! I want to just pretend that it's all a nightmare and if I pinch myself hard enough, I'll wake up and he'll still be here with me...SO maybe, just maybe, if I keep reminding myself of Ian's joy that he receives every min of every day....then maybe I can start to "accept".....
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