Last night  a local cemetery, where my grandpa is buried, had a candle light service. My grandma called me Thurs. night to tell me the time and she told me she was going to pick up a candle for Ian as well.  It made my heart sing.  Even though he's not buried there we lit a candle for him.  We also released 3 little balloons for him because Brycen wanted to send him a message.  His message was so cute: I am on green. ~Brycen.  I know that to most people that doesn't make sense but to kindergarten teachers it may.  They have a behavior chart with 7 colors....pink being the worse, red being the best (this one always makes me giggle b/c I associate red with bad), and green is in the middle, where they start.  We have been having behavior problems with Brycen this month so we were all excited when he got on green again.  So he decided that he had to share it with Ian.  It made me smile. I surprised myself and kept it together....it felt good to go there and do something special for him.

I saw an old friend from school there.  We have been chatting back and forth on Facebook for a while but it was so good to see her.  Back in Sept of 09 she had a stillborn little boy "J" and then another miscarriage this year in Sept.  She is such a sweet person, and it doesn't seem fair that she has to endure so much heartache.  Even though I hate that ANYONE has to lose a child its nice to have friends that understand and truly "get it".  Most people are like "aww I'm sorry" but don't really want to get into it...but when you've been there....you know the pain, the guilt, the agony associated with losing a little one and you want to talk to others and help each other though it.  I like to think that our babies play with each other in Heaven. It may be a silly notion, but I do.  I hope they run and play games and do all the things that children should together. When I think of Ian in Heaven...I don't think of him as a baby, I think of him as a small child like Brycen's age....I don't know why but I do.  I hope that when we finally meet face to face, he'll look at me and say "I love you too, Mama, I love you too"....