overwhelmed...

With Christmas right around the corner, I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I miss him terribly!  I look at my babies in my class (at the daycare where I work), in their 'Baby's 1st Christmas' sleepers and bibs and it makes my heart drop...Ian should be one of those babies...sleeping in his little crib at daycare....he would have just started about a week ago...all of my coworkers would be coming in the room to sneak a peak at the newest addition. They'd ooh and aww over his tiny feet and talk about how much he looks like his siblings....we'd all laugh about my "oops baby" and they'd ask if I knew "what causes that"....I'd be complaining about sore boobs and lack of sleep...but I'd be blissfully happy....  but instead, I put on a fake smile and I love on someone else's baby.... I still snuggle with Brycen and Haiden...when they let me(they think they're too grown) and I cherish every moment...even when they are trying my patience, I take a deep breath and think "its ok....breathe and smile...breathe and smile" ...after all they are only little for a while....

Last night we went to a local Japanese restaurant (Brycen's fave) and he's counting EVERYTHING....and he says "how many in our family?" ...he points to each of us at the table "1,2,3,4" then he points up to the sky and says "5....Ian makes 5 right Mama?"  It makes me so sad to know that he'll never get to play with his brother on this side of Heaven....but it makes me so happy to know that he loves his brother just the same.  He is such a compassionate little boy and it makes me so proud.

I'll leave you with a song that James found and shared with me today.....it speaks volumes!  It reminds me that yes, life does go on....keep breathing....keep pushing forward....