So I'm having trouble getting motivated to finish up my care packages....I'm not sure why though.  Maybe its the fear of people thinking that they're silly....or maybe its just because like everything else it's just another reminder that Ian really is gone...  But HOPEFULLY I will get them finished and delivered this week.  James is off on Mon-Tues and then again Fri-Sun, so that gives us 3 possible days.  I have almost finished my "resource brochure" I found a perfect poem to put on the back (which I will include at the end of the post)....so I'm nearly there.  James is so supportive and told me to take my time because the more thought that goes into the better they will be.  And I know he's right...but I just feel like I should have been able to have them  delivered by now.  I hope the Dr's office hasn't thought I forgot about them.....  I think I worry too much LOL

I'm finally feeling more and more like my old self lately.  And while that makes me happy, it also makes me feel sad.  I don't want Ian to ever be forgotten!  And I pray that I never forget those few short weeks that I carried my precious baby.  I honestly never thought I would EVER lose a baby!  Losing a baby is something that happened to other people not to me....but I'm sure that is what all moms think.

Speaking of other moms there is an awesome site called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It is a place where moms who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death go to share their story.  The creator is trying to win a grant from the Pepsi refresh program for 25k for she can get materials out to hospitals and help fund support groups all over the country.  The link for that is: http://www.refresheverything.com/facesofloss unfortunately it has to be in the top 15 to get the grant and right now it is currently in the 30's with very few days left. With that being said : GO VOTE! (please)

Ok so here is the poem that will be on the back of the brochures.  I stumbled upon it while looking for quotes about loss and miscarriage and I couldn't believe how well it fit!


You're Not Alone
by: Jeannie Sousa

We've never met yet we share a common bond.
Each of us held a child that now is gone.

You're searching for reasons why?

I wish I could tell you how.
But no one has the answers right now.

Knowing far to well just what you are going through.
It wasn't that long ago
Someone was there for me.
If you need me, I'll be there for you.

You are not alone

Through restless hours of sorrow and pain
As tears keep falling like rain.

How could it be so suddenly?

You're not alone

Lord knows you are not to blame
Feeling life just isn't the same.

You're not alone

Hours turn into days.
Days turn into years.
The memory of your precious baby never disappears.

Behind each storm there's a rainbow.
Beyond the clouds skies are blue.

You ask me, When I say I do.
If you need me, I'll be there for you.

You're not alone

Through restless hours of sorrow and pain
As tears keep falling like rain...

And though your storm has just begun,
Keep watching for the rainbow...

It will come.

Just a few short weeks....

This  poems sums up  how I feel!  Most people don't get it....but I love my little man and I will always carry him in my heart!  Ian may have only lived for 15 short weeks and never got to take a breath outside of my womb... but he still lived!   Its amazing how my life has changed so drastically in the past few months!  In many ways for the worst but in a few ways for the better.....and I would not be who I am now if I didn't have him for those few short weeks. Some days I feel that I am more bitter since losing him....but on other days I feel stronger and I feel that I have more compassion....I guess it just depends on the situation (and my mood LOL)  Any way....here's the poem:

Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling

I found this in a blog that I follow, it is SO true!:

 I found this in a blog that I follow, it is SO true!: 

When you lose a baby....(by http://naomiscircle.blogspot.com/)

When someone loses a baby, it's common for people around them to minimize the loss, at least in their minds, by comparing it to a later loss.  At least it was early in the pregnancy...at least it wasn't a late loss...it would be so much harder if it was such-and-such an age.

What people don't always realize is that when we lose a baby, no matter what age in the womb, we lose a unique person, and we lose the child, the teenager, the adult that person would have been.

I lost Jordan in May at four weeks' gestation.  "Barely pregnant" people might say.  But when I lost Jordan...

• I lost the full-term baby I would have delivered next February.
• I lost a toddler who will never need me to kiss a scraped knee.
• I lost a five-year-old who will never start kindergarten.
• I lost a teen-ager who will never make me cringe by learning to drive my car.
• I lost a high school graduate whom I won't help pack for college.
• I lost a young adult whom I will never plan a wedding for.
• I lost a lifetime of memories that will never be made. 

Hence, my sadness.  The loss of a precious individual, a unique mix of my husband and me,whom I will not know this side of heaven.  If you, too, have had a very early loss like mine, know that you are allowed to grieve, that it is normal to grieve.  You many sometimes wonder if it was a dream, if you really were pregnant.  You were, and your baby lives on in the presence of a holy, loving God.  But it's normal and human and motherly to wish your baby were still with you now, and to shed many precious tears for the life that would have been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate when people say: "well at least you weren't full term and have  to deliver the baby."  But what they fail to realize is that because I wasn't full term I didn't get the chance to hold my baby, I didn't get the chance to tell him goodbye, I didn't get to count his fingers and toes....I didn't get these last moments that would have hurt but would have also given me closure. And another thing that people fail to realize is I loved my baby from day one.  Yes, I may have been EXTREMELY shocked when I found out I was pregnant and it may have took me a few weeks to fully get excited HOWEVER I LOVED THAT LITTLE GUY, WITH ALL OF MY HEART from day one.  I regret our decision to have a D&C but at the time we did what we thought was best.  I'm still not sure if I could have handled holding him and then giving him to someone and never seeing him again.....  but that is something that I will never know, and I can't dwell on it.  


On a lighter note, the elephants came in yesterday!  Now I am in the process of finding helpful resources and typing it all up.  So if any of my readers (all two of you, LOL) knows of any good books or sites that might be of help please send them my way.

Saying overdue "thank yous"

I've been focusing on all negativity with my posts lately.....I've talked too much about people not saying anything or saying stupid things.....but I never mentioned the nice things that people have done.


So tonight is all about saying thanks:


When Ian passed we received about 5 or 6 cards in the mail and I remember being grateful that someone  cared enough about us to do that.  Our close friend "A" looked up all kinds of info to try to help us....she was at a loss for words, but wanted to be there for us and not say something that might have been upsetting for us, and even made cupcakes for him on his birthday. Another close friend "S" offered to come by and straighten my hair.....she knows it relaxes me, but instead she went shopping with me for new jeans b/c I refused to wear my maternity pants.  A coworker made me a beautiful Easter corsage/bouquet that had 3 eggs on it:1 for each of my 3 children.  Another coworker, gave us a card with a $15.00 gift card to subway the Friday before Mother's day because she knew it was going to be a difficult weekend.  A friend from High School emailed me to check up on me, she lost her son and knew the pain  that came with it.....Recently another coworker, talked with me about Ian, and told me of her sister's stillborn baby girl, and let me know that she would be there whenever I felt like talking.  I've also had a few very special people share with me their own stories of miscarriage and loss.....and even a few people who just let me know that they care.....
To everyone who's helped me:  THANK YOU!  I have complained and complained and complained about people not caring, and while I have found that more people don't care, or at least not care enough to say anything, I DO have people that CARE! People who've let me know that I don't have to grieve on my own!  People who LOVE me and recognize my Ian.  Again: THANK YOU! I am very blessed to have you in my life!

I woke up this morning with a ton of anxiety.....but I pushed through it and went to work....James calls me at work....and said "babe I just couldn't do it today...I just couldn't"  so I decided to talk to my boss about coming home to be with him and us just be miserable together.  She is amazing!  We sat there and cried together....I know I was pretty bitter yesterday but after talking to her I can't help but understand her point of view.  In ways it is a loss.  And I know from experience....losing someone in any form hurts you to your core.  She made it work, and let me come home.  Now as I'm sitting here I don't know what is worse sitting at work trying not to cry, trying to put up a front....or actually sitting at home, letting it all out and wallowing in self-pity....    

I am ready for this roller coaster to be OVER! Someone stop the ride and let me off!  

Bad Day....

When I woke up this morning all was well....I felt good, I felt normal......but when I got to work one of the parents was asking about Brycen and if he was going to "big boy" school this year.  I told her yes and she's like "yup the baby's kicking him out the nest.  Making room"  I knew that she was one of the parents who knew that I was pregnant......so I said "no..... I miscarried back in April" and she just looked at me like oh wow, where did that come from....then it hit me!  She forgot that I was pregnant and she was talking about Haiden! I said "you didn't know I was pregnant?"  and then it hit her...she did...she said "Becky, I'm so sorry" but then another family walked in....I HAVE to stop thinking that people are referring to Ian as the baby.  In my heart, Ian is the baby of the family....but most people still think of Haiden as the baby.  Most of the time, I catch myself from saying anything because I REALIZE that they are talking about Haiden but today it caught me off guard.  Because I haven't seen her since we lost Ian and I knew that she knew I was pregnant. I'm a "late shower" so unless you know me well you would just think I'm getting fat until like 6mths in....so about 1/2 of the families at the daycare didn't know that I was even pregnant.

Another thing that bothered me today is my bitterness....my bosses grand-daughter is moving cross country and she is taking it EXTREMELY hard.  And EVERYONE at work is giving her loads of support....everyone is talking to her and letting her vent, they sent a "thinking of you" card around for everyone to sign......they are treating it like her family is dead not moving!  And very few people will even look my direction when I EVEN SAY IAN'S NAME!  I just want to scream:  They are moving, I know its going to be hard, but they are STILL living.  Be Happy for that!!!!!!!   I know that it's wrong of me to feel no sympathy for them.....I KNOW that I would be devastated if I had a close family member to move cross country....but I'm angry!  I'm angry because no one recognizes Ian!  Most of my co-workers didn't even say ANYTHING when I lost Ian.  Yes, I got a lot of pitying looks and a few very special people that actually took the time to say that they cared or to even just give me a hug. .... normally when someone's family member passes they send a card around for everyone to sign.  I got a card and a nice plant from my work as a whole....but it wasn't for Ian.  It was for my Granny who passed away about a week later......I HATE that I'm so bitter about it but....I just can't help it.  I want Ian to be remembered! I want people to use his name.....I want people to think of him as a baby....as MY baby.  I'm so ready for all this bitterness to pass!  I used to be a very sympathetic person...someone who actually took the time to listen to someone else's troubles....now I'm so blindsided by my own grief that I'm a very "glass is half empty" kind of girl.....someone who doesn't really take time to listen as well as they should...some one that I'm really disgusted with.  (By the way if any coworkers happen to stumble upon this....please don't take offense.  I'm just in a bad place right now.....bear with me)

Don't judge the bereaved mother... 

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks,

she cleans, she works, she IS

but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.

A husband that loses his wife is a widower.

A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.

For there is no word to describe such pain.

-author unknown

This poem hits it right on the money....  Every since Ian passed away I've been putting on a front.  I have to be brave to the outside world.  I wake up, try to shake off the sadness, go to work, go through all the motions but my heart just isn't in it.  I try to be happy, if not for myself; for Brycen and Haiden....they deserve to have a happy mommy.  I feel guilty being sad all the time because they deserve better!  I hate that they have to see me like this.... so when the kids are occupied or sleeping.....when I think no one is looking.....that's when I let it out.  And sometimes it pours out.....and I'm sometimes afraid that it will never stop.  How do I make the pain stop? When will the bad days stop?  It's like I take 3 steps forward just to take another 2 steps back.....when do I stop going back?  

I was talking to my James tonight and telling him how I've been angry at God lately and I told him that its kinda like it is with my parents:  I know that they love me, I know that I love them, but sometimes they infuriate me!  And its exactly the way it is with God.  I KNOW that God loves me, I know that I love Him, but it doesn't stop me from being angry ..... I think that God understands that.  James said that sometimes people just look at us as ordinary people but when something tragic happens it makes people stop and pay attention, and God uses it to glorify His righteousness and His kingdom.  I know he's right.  I know that something beautiful will come of this..... and I KNOW that God is still the same God that He was before Ian died, He still loves me, He is still compassionate, He is still GOD!  .......I've got to find a way to get back to God and out of this hole that I'm in.  God will use this anger, this grief, this self pity and He will find a way to make it into something more beautiful and wonderful than I could ever imagine....I just need to let Him.  I want to let Him....but I just don't know how.  How do you say "its ok that my baby died" when its not?  I don't like feeling like this.......  but I know that the pain is only here for a season.....  and one day I will hold my baby boy again.

its all coming together!

It's coming together!  Yay!  I've purchased the (15)elephants(they should be here in a few days), I've bought some journals, note cards for the letter and some pens (the cashier was like wow 5 journals you must have alot to write about LOL), now I have to get the resource information  and the elephant saying typed up and printed. Oh, and I need some type of bag to put them in.... I'm only donating 5 this time....for 2 reasons....one I need more funds LOL and two I want to make sure that the drs office is a good home for them....I may end up donating the rest to the hospital....we shall see.  I hope that this works out as beautifully as I plan...and if it does I think I'm going to ask my church and my grandmother's church if they are interested in donating to the cause.  I know that (unfortunately) 1in4 pregnancies end in miscarriage....and donating 15 elephants isn't even putting a dent into it.

I'm so excited to do this.  It's a great way to put my energy into something positive!  I know that I can't mope around for the rest of my life...... by doing this I'm remembering Ian and hopefully helping someone else.  I refuse to let Ian's short life be forgotten!  And if I can't hold him and show him how much I love him I will  show others love and kindness.  I pray that other mommies will feel less alone knowing that there are others out there.   I think the healing process is finally getting somewhere!  I still miss him everyday but I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.  I'm still going to cry but I'm learning to handle it.

August 19th Day of Hope

Carly, the creator of Day of hope, has decided to change the focus of the event from donating care packages, to speaking out about miscarriage,stillbirth, and infant loss.  Her reasoning?  B/c she felt that she somehow stole the idea from the MISS campaign.  I find that this is very admirable!  However, I feel that both organizations are just trying to do a good deed. Something that we all need to do not just one day out of the year but often.  I did get my idea to donate the elephants to the Dr's office from her site but I decided to give them just whenever I could.....does this mean that I'm guilty of the same thing?  If so, I'm sorry.  However, I am not going to not give the care packages, because I pray that they will help someone feel less alone in their situation.  I'm not sure how often I will be able to donate packages or if I will put the word out for help putting the packages together......but I will say that Carly and the lady with the elephant inspired me, they gave me a way to help myself grieve while possibly helping someone else.  So, I am incredibly thankful to them.  When I put the resource information in the package I will include her site.  And I will check out the Miss Foundation and if they are for the same cause then they will be included as well :D

kinda excited (explanation of blog title)

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I had some big news coming but I needed to get my ducks in a row....well I can share now.   I got the news from my Dr. that he'll allow me to donate some care packages to people in the same situation as we are.  I never knew how lonely having a miscarriage could be....until I had one.  So in Ian's honor I am donating at least 10-15 stuffed elephants with this saying:


when a mother elephant loses her baby, the other elephants stand in a circle around her and allow her all the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They don't hurry her along, or push her to abandon the body. They gently touch her with their trunks, a silent show of unwavering support.


I am also going to include a letter from James and myself just telling them they are not alone. That there are resources available, that they don't have to do it by them selves, we are signing it simply, xoxo Ian's Mommy and Daddy.  I think I am also going to include a list of resources and blogs.....

I will say that the idea for this isn't entirely my own.  Right after we lost Ian I searched all over the net trying to find people that could relate to my story, not just feel sorry for me.  It was then I stumbled upon august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com.  The creator of the site had lost her little boy, Christian and wanted to give back.  She teamed up with another mom who lost her daughter, Hope and they decided to encourage women to donate care packages to Dr. offices and hospitals in honor of the babies we all lost.  On the Facebook version of the page women posted pictures of their care packages and inside one woman's package was an elephant with that saying.  I knew immediately that this is what I needed to do.  I messaged this lady and told her what an inspiration her thoughtfulness was, and that I was "stealing" her idea.  She messaged me back and said that she hoped that I got as much out of giving back as she did.  And I have to say I'm excited to do it!  I think part of my not being able to "move forward" is the fact that so many people view my baby, my Ian, as just another miscarriage.....and that hurts me to my core.  So, If I can possibly help a few mom's and dad's know that their baby was important and they are not alone.....then losing Ian isn't in vain.  I know that getting a stuffed animal isn't going to make the pain go away, but I know that it would have been comforting to me to know that I wasn't alone in my grief.

I will Carry you ~Selah

I'm having a pretty rough day....and I was reading through some blogs that I follow and I came across this song.  I looked it up on youtube and it's so beautiful.  I'm going to include the song and a video about who the song was written for.  It touched my heart and I hope it will yours too.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster.  I went from have a series of REALLY bad days, to now having some pretty good days.  I was actually able to talk about Ian with a coworker  without  breaking down.  It was strange, talking about him actually made me feel better.  It was a relief to have someone WANT to hear about him.  She wasn't being nosey though, she said that her sister had a full-term loss so she knows the pain that comes with it.  She never once made me feel like my baby wasn't as important as her sister's because her niece was full-term.  She acknowledged Ian for the child that he is.  It felt good to hear it.  I know I don't need others to tell me that he matters but when they do, its a breath of fresh air!  No one wants to hear that their baby was insignificant......so to hear someone call him by his name, it made my day.  

So last night I was reading on a support forum and another mom posted that she was annoyed with moms telling her that they know how she feels, that they had a miscarriage....her problem with this is: her child was born living and lived for 20days.  At first I was annoyed with this.  No, I don't think ANYONE should compare their loss to someone else's, because we all grieve differently, we all cope differently.  But, for her to say that "its not the same my child lived" is kind of a big sting.  Yes, I know that Ian only lived in utero ....but he still LIVED, he was real, and he mattered too.  After I thought about the whole situation, I got an epiphany of sorts: in ways we are both fighting for the same thing: we are fighting for people to see the value of our baby. I want people to acknowledge that my baby died!  I don't want people to think of Ian as just another statistic.  He's much more than that!  And this lady (I'm being general here because I don't know for sure) probably feels very similar, because she wants people to see that her child lived and breathed and she doesn't want him to be just another statistic. I know that I would have became even more attached to Ian as he grew...but I loved him just as much as I love Brycen and Haiden already.  So, I know that there is a difference between her grief and mine but I'm still entitled to my grief!  Ian deserves to be mourned over!      He deserves to be acknowledged as a baby.

still struggling......

The last few days have been awful!  I seem to have more bad moments than good ones.....at this stage in the game isn't it supposed to be the other way around?  I wake up each morning with anxiety.....its like a huge ache that just pulls me down.  It's almost "physical" sometimes......    At any point of the day I may break down.  What should I do?  James said to "move forward, not move on, just forward" makes sense but how do you move forward?  My mom suggested I go to a therapist.....and possibly get on some anti-anxiety meds....I don't want medicine!  I want my baby!!!!  I feel so alone in this....James is great, but I hate dragging him down with me. I don't want my life to consist of grief and heartache....but I don't know how to change it.  I don't know how to make the hurting stop.

 I've begun to be clingy with Brycen and Haiden lately. I don't want them out of my sight for too long.  What if something happens to them too?  I know that this isn't rational but...it's a huge fear.  I look at Haiden sometimes and I cry.  I cry because I'm happy that she's my girl and I cry because I know that I'll never get this with Ian.  Brycen is begining to learn to read.  It's so exciting!  but I feel a stab of pain knowing that I'll never hear Ian read.  Why can't I be happy for the things that the kids are doing without feeling the sadness that comes with it?  I'm so blessed to have my children  but I'm angry that I don't have all 3 here with me!  There I said it, I AM ANGRY!!!!  ANGRY AT GOD, ANGRY AT MYSELF, ANGRY AT PREGNANT WOMEN, ANGRY THAT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND ANGRY THAT I AM GOING THROUGH THIS!  I shouldn't have to be going through this!  Its not fair!!!   No one should ever have to go through this!  Why did God need my baby?  Doesn't He know that I need him too!  Doesn't He see my pain?  Up until a few days ago my faith didn't seem shaken, and in reality its still "in tact", I know that there is a God, I know that my Ian is in Heaven......but I just need to be mad!

If you've read this far "thank you" I know that it's random, but its real, and I needed to rant and get it all out there.....

was it a sign?

So, yesterday was rough, not sure why, but it was.  We went to church, went to walmart to get the kids a little kiddie pool, ate lunch, and Haiden took a nap while I assembled the pool (which is crooked, by the way)  ,nothing out of the ordinary.  I guess I just really missed him......   anyway, once I had the pool up, the kids and I decided to go for a "swim".  I was just sitting there looking around, when I saw it.  It was a beautiful blue monarch butterfly! It looked exactly like the one we saw on the day we lost him!  It flew around in my yard for a while then just flew off.  I wish that I had brought my camera out with me, but in reality it was a bit too far from me to get a good shot anyway...unless I chased it down.   I don't know if it was a sign telling me that Ian is ok and happy or if it was just my imagination running wild....but I'm going to choose to say that it was a sign.


Last night I was reading on a blog that I follow:  http://blessedbycreativejoy.blogspot.com/2011/07/everlasting-joy.html and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Ian has only known love, peace, warmth, and all things good. I've always known this but its hard to remember when you are grieving.  I feel that I haven't reached the "acceptance" part of grief yet.  It's a hard thing to grasp.  I know that Ian isn't coming back, I get that, but I just don't want to!  I  want to just pretend that it's all a nightmare and if I pinch myself hard enough, I'll wake up and he'll still be here with me...SO maybe, just maybe, if I keep reminding myself of Ian's joy that he receives every min of every day....then maybe I can start to "accept".....

.......

It's been 2 mths, 3 weeks, and 1 day since we lost Ian.....and I'm sitting here sobbing.  Why?  I don't even know.  Lately I've had more good moments then bad and then today all of a sudden I'm sobbing thinking of Ian and how different things would be if he were still with us.

I've been wondering lately how do you heal a broken heart after losing someone so precious?  Everyone I know that has had a miscarriage, tries again......but that's just not the right thing for us.  So, I feel that I'm all alone on this one.  There will be no more babies in my house.....  I'm excited for the things that Brycen and Haiden are doing/will do but to know that I'll never see Ian do those things is so heartbreaking.

actually having a good day :)

I feel that I needed to post on a good day.  I felt that, if by chance, someone is reading this is in a similar situation and thinks that it's never going to be "Ok", I wanted to show them that yes, sometimes you are going to have really sucky days but its ok to have good days too.


I had plans to sit around the house today and clean up some maybe take the kids out to play before it got too hot and my bestie called me and wanted us to come over and hang out and let the kiddos swim.  Her nephew is town and was wanting to see Brycen.  So, when we got there her sister was like did you bring your suit?  I said no that "S" said was just a small kiddie pool. Come to find out that while it was still just a small kiddie pool it was plenty big enough for all 3 adults and 3 kids to get in( I borrowed some shorts and tanktop).....we  probably looked really silly....but we had a ton of fun. It was just what I needed.  I thought about Ian several times while I was there....but I handled it and still managed  to laugh and actually LIVE.