feeling a little blue tonight......

I don't even know where to begin....I'm just feeling blue tonight. Tonight, I should be exactly 1mth from my due date.  But instead I'm sitting here missing my baby.  Missing a child that I will never get to hold, I will never get to kiss his tears away, I won't be able to hold his hand when he's scared or be so frustrated with him that I want to pull my hair out.....instead I'm left with a hole in my heart, that will never be filled.  I've come a long way in this crazy roller coaster ride....I'm not bitter, I'm not angry....I'm just sad.  Unbelievably sad.

Brycen is having a hard time handling things too....at first I thought that the questions were only when I talk about Ian when he's in ear shot, but lately I've been careful to try to not say anything about Ian around him unless he asks.  Well, he asks a lot.  So much that I'm wondering if I should get a therapist for him....
Today on the way home from school he was talking about his friends and playing with them and then he asks "Moma, why didn't Ian want to come play with me?"  I tried my best to explain to him that Ian wanted to play with him but he just couldn't but when they were both in Heaven they would play.  He has so many questions that I just can't answer....It breaks my heart to know that hes' hurting!  I'm glad that he loves his brother, but I hate that he has to go through the pain of losing him.  I just don't know what to do......
to read from the beginning...

(If you are new and would like to read from the beginning....)

James and I finally delivered the first batch of the elephant care packages today!!  I'm so glad that we did this.  I pray that it will  help someone! I surprised myself by not crying....the whole "ministry" is sad but I was kinda joyful because even though these women have just lost a baby they will be able to find resources with out having to "dig" for them.  I remember googling miscarriage support and 15 week loss and I came upon site after site....some helpful....others not so much.   Knowing that others are out there in similar situations made me feel less alone, like some one else out there "gets it".  I remember one of the biggest questions that we had was should we deliver and hold our baby.....or should we opt for the d&c....but since we didn't know anyone who had been in our situation ....we did what we thought was best....if I had known to ask around on a support forum...maybe just maybe we would have delivered.  

I took some pictures of the packages.... Our Dr. seemed to think that they will be helpful, so in the  near future I am thinking about donating more to other Dr's offices and  hospitals.....but in order to do that I need to enlist some help. I am going to talk to my pastor about making it one of our church's mission projects and I'm also going to talk to my grandmother about finding out if her church would be willing to donate to the cause as well....but first I have to contact the hospital to see if they would accept them, and I also have to get together a presentation of sorts to show the congregation what exactly they are contributing to.  

the elephant is part of what inspired the whole project...  The "elephant story" is tied to a ribbon around it's neck.

finished products.

Each package consists of a stuffed elephant, a journal, a pen, a short letter from James and I, and a brochure with a list of books and websites that I believe to be helpful.  I didn't do it this time but I want to include this brochure called"Permission to Grieve"....its a Christian brochure that talks about how people will say things to make you feel like you are over reacting about the loss of your child, and sometimes feel like your loss was insignificant...but the brochure encourages women to grieve and it reminds them that their baby(ies) mattered, (s)he was real, and (s)he will always be loved.   

Where I'm at today

It has been a little over 4 mths since we said goodbye to Ian, and I can honestly say that I'm beginning to live again.  For the past few days I've had a peace about me that I haven't felt in a long time.  I know that God is healing my broken heart!  Today was the 1st Sunday in about a month that I've been to church....and it was like the message was tailored for James and I.  The original verses that the pastor used escapes me but the message was on patience and waiting.  He also spoke about loneliness and despair.  I do know that the verses were near Psalm 40 because James and I both spoted it (we were sharing a Bible) and James felt led to share our testimony, as the service was coming to an end. He read from Psalm 40 and told about losing Ian (many at church are new and had no idea) and he said that even though we have more questions than answers God is still there!  He is still good.  He is pulling us out of the rubble and He has a plan for our lives!  I think God's presence was truly in the service today!  And I thank God for the opportunity for James to speak out, and I pray that anything he said will be used to glorify God!  I think I'm finally beginning to see how He wants to use me....I honestly believe that He wants me to speak out about miscarriage and stillbirth and show others that these little babies are His children! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."Jeremiah 1:5 is proof of that!  I also believe that He is calling me to move forward with our "elephant ministry"  I've been procrastinating with getting it all together....and I think the reason for it is simply I wasn't ready....I wasn't ready to accept that Ian is truly gone....but for the last few days I really do have  a peace and a joy that I haven't felt in a long time and I want to try and share that with others.  When I look back on my older post its amazing how far I've come....God is working wonders with my life!  I'll admit I'm still sad and I still miss Ian but I know that one day I WILL see him again.  I think from now on I will add a link to give people who are new to my blog an option to start from the beginning....I think it's important for people to see where I've come from and where I'm going....  
I'll finish up with the verses that James read at church today...and I'll also leave a link for the option of reading from the beginning 
 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him. Pslam 40:1-3


To read our story from the beginning.....

Today is August 19th Day of Hope....

August 19th Day of Hope is the organization that gave me the inspiration to give back. This year the focus wasn't solely on donating care packages (although many people still did), the focus was on speaking out and breaking down walls about miscarriage and child loss.  So yesterday, and today I posted on my facebook about the organization and about Ian.  I thought it would make me sad....but strangely, it felt almost empowering!  It felt good to publicly say how much I miss Ian. It also felt like maybe, just maybe, people will stop and think...."its not just something that happens, it's a painful loss.  The loss of a baby...not just the loss of a pregnancy"....ok,ok  so I know that my post probably didn't impact that many people ....but it still felt good.

Back to school

This week is kinda crazy already :/  Brycen started school....5k!  My baby is no longer a baby!  I have been so frazzled!  I go from being really excited to being really sad.  I know that both of these emotions are normal, but I get so upset just realizing that soon I will no longer have any "itty bittys" in my house!  Brycen is in school and Haiden just got "promoted" to the toddler room at the daycare.... I was so excited, nervous, and extremely happy to have a new itty bitty in my house again....I knew that it would be challenging....but we would adapt just like we did when Brycen was born, and just like we did when Haiden was born. Now.... we are "adapting" to a new normal....a normal that just feels plain WRONG....but we are adapting.

On the way home from school today Brycen says "I drew a picture of you, and daddy, and me today?"  I said "you did?  Was Haiden in the picture too?"  He said "no, do you want me to draw a picture of her too?"  I said "well sure, next time you can draw a picture of the whole family"  and then he asked the sweetest, saddest thing:  "Can I put Ian in the picture too then?"  and naturally all I could say was "I'd like that very much"

anyway, here are a few pictures of the kiddos on their first days :)  I am proud of them!  I am proud to be their Mommy :)

Haiden doing what she does best...CLIMBING!

sitting at the table looking at books before lunch...

 Sitting at his desk...I chose to let James take him with out me because I didn't think I could do it with out crying....so I got James to snap a few....I would have probably taken like 20 but I'm ok with the 3 that I got LOL.

Venting....

I'm not sure how to express my feelings about the conversation I had with my mother-in-law today....a part of me is angry with her, but at the same time I don't think she meant anything by her hurtful words, but mostly I'm feeling extremely sad.....

There's a bit of a back story so be patient with me.

James' sister has 4 beautiful children, but in her younger years she made some mistakes and all 4 children were mostly raised by James' mom.  The oldest is 16 and the youngest is 9.  So, in the last few years my sister in law has really tried to make her life better!  She is currently living a couple states north of here and regained custody of one daughter last year and then about 2 months ago she got custody of the boys.  Her oldest is still living here but with a friend because James' mom and her do not get along and it wasn't healthy for either of them to live under the same roof (she chose not to stay here because we are zoned for a different school, but we keep in close contact)  .....anyway so today MIL was talking about how empty the house is and how much she misses the kids.  I was trying to be as comforting as I possibly could because I know how hard it must be so I said "I know you miss them.  I can't imagine what you are going through but remember that this is what you prayed for all those years and also remember that they didn't die that they are going to come for a visit.  But it's ok to miss them, and its ok to be sad"  she got kinda snappy and said "well, you don't know what its like to raise a child and then have them move away" so I said "no, I don't.  and I know that you miss them.  I know all to well what it feels like to miss a child" and she snaps "what child are you missing?" so I pretty much half sobbed/half yelled "Ian"  and she said "Oh, I forgot about him"....talk about a blow to my gut!  If Ian's own grandmother forgot about him so quickly then how do I keep his memory alive?  How do I show others how important he is?  She goes on to say "yes, losing him has put a hole in all of our hearts that I don't know how we will ever repair" SERIOUSLY???!?!?!? You just told me you forgot about him and now your saying this!?!  She did apologize, but honestly, the damage was already done.  I really don't think she meant to hurt me....maybe she was just sidetracked by her own grief that he slipped her mind but hearing that hurt me to my core.  I never dreamed that I would ever have to hear someone especially family say that they forgot about him.  I carried him for 4 months!  How can family forget that!?!?!?

Today was registration day for Brycen!  It went well.  I like his teacher (I only wish she was more bubbly LOL) but he didn't get the same class as his friend, which may be a blessing in disguise..... he was super bummed about it though.

After we got him all squared away at the school we went shopping for his supplies....well Haiden and I did while James and Bryce went to Lowes to do "manly stuff"  LOL.  I was fine today, until I saw this super happy & super pregnant lady...she was everywhere I turned!  It was like she was stalking/taunting  me!  Ok, ok I know that I'm being a little silly but seeing her all big and pregnant just reminded me that, that's what I would have looked like if Ian didn't die.  I told James about it and he said "you can't fault her for being happy...be happy for her" but that's the thing I AM happy for her!  I wouldn't wish this on anyone!  It only bothered me because I'm jealous.....  

after we put the kids to bed James just held me and let me cry for as long as I needed to....I honestly don't know how I would be able to function if I didn't have James' love and support!  He really has been my rock and my voice of reason.  He lets me talk and vent when I need to and he also lets me cry as much as I need to.....I thank God for giving me such a wonderful husband!

Tomorrow will be exactly 4 mths since we said goodbye to Ian.  We were also 4 mths along when we lost him.....tomorrow is also Thursday....Thursday was the day that marked a new week in my pregnancy...Thursday is also the day that we had our memorial service for him......  I'm dreading tomorrow.

Bear with me guys....tonight is a long one....but also a good one ;)

Last night James and I were talking about life....about Brycen going to 5k, and Haiden moving up to the toddler room at daycare, and about Ian's due date coming up soon.  We also talked some more about my bitterness towards everything.  I told him that I try to think positive and I try to always remember that Ian is happy, he has only known love and will never feel any pain or sorrows.  And bless him, he told me something that I have known but kindof disregarded.  He said "babe, your problem is you aren't giving it to God.  Just like with everything else in our lives....we are helpless on our own"  (let the record show that I absolutely ADORE my husband and he always finds the right words to say)......... So this morning I was on my way to work and I was having my morning prayer time, and I poured my heart out to Him.  I told Him that although I'm not exactly thrilled with the fact that Ian is gone, that I realize that Ian is in a much better place and I thanked Him for taking care of my baby.  I also asked Him if He would show me some verses that might help me....and I don't know if this was Him speaking to me or my overactive imagination but I heard: Pslam  and then a couple seconds later I heard 100 and then I heard 6......So I took it as Pslam 100:6.  But when I looked it up, Pslam chapter 100 only has 5 verses. At first I was pretty bummed but then it hit me Pslam chapter 106. When I read it I was amazed at how it could be related to my situation.  I'm still not sure if it was sent straight from God but it helped me regardless. I will include the scripture but first I want to tell you what I got out of it:

The first couple verses talk about praising the Lord and His love and kindness endures.  And then it talks about when God dried up the red sea and set His people free and how they praised and worshiped Him....but when things got hard again they strayed and they got bitter towards Him (sounding familiar?), it goes on to talk about how quickly they forgot all that God had done for them, when in reality He was (and is) the same God that He always was....HE NEVER CHANGES....ITS US WHO LET OUR FAITH WAIVER! I definitely needed to be reminded of this!  My God is the same God who blessed me with my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, and a compared to some a very comfortable life.  Yes, it sucks that Ian died, but when I became a christian I was not promised a life of leisure... I knew that things would sometimes get hard, BUT I was promised that God would see me through it! That he would hold me up when I didn't think it was possible to take another breath.  God has a plan for my life!  I believe that He is going to use my grief to show others His love and His mercy....now it is up to me to let Him.  I pray that these verses... and my blog will somehow help some one else.....


1 Praise the LORD ! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good ; For His loving kindness is everlasting. 2 Who can speak of the mighty deeds of the LORD, Or can show forth all His praise ?3 How blessed are those who keep justice, Who practice righteousness at all times ! 4 Remember me, O LORD, in Your favor toward Your people ; Visit me with Your salvation, 5 That I may see theprosperity of Your chosen ones, That I may rejoice in the gladness of Your nation, That I may glorywith Your inheritance. 6 We have sinned like our fathers, We have committed iniquity, we have behaved wickedly. 7 Our fathers in Egypt did not understand Your wonders ; They did notremember Your abundant kindnesses, But rebelled by the sea, at the Red Sea. 8 Nevertheless Hesaved them for the sake of His name, That He might make His power known. 9 Thus He rebuked the Red Sea and it dried up, And He led them through the deeps, as through the wilderness. 10So He saved them from the hand of the one who hated them, And redeemed them from the hand of the enemy. 11 The waters covered their adversaries ; Not one of them was left. 12 Then theybelieved His words ; They sang His praise. 13 They quickly forgot His works ; They did not wait for His counsel, 14 But craved intensely in the wilderness, And tempted God in the desert. 15 So Hegave them their request, But sent a wasting disease among them. 16 When they became envious of Moses in the camp, And of Aaron, the holy one of the LORD, 17 The earth opened andswallowed up Dathan, And engulfed the company of Abiram. 18 And a fire blazed up in their company ; The flame consumed the wicked. 19 They made a calf in Horeb And worshiped amolten image. 20 Thus they exchanged their glory For the image of an ox that eats grass. 21They forgot God their Savior, Who had done great things in Egypt, 22 Wonders in the land of Ham And awesome things by the Red Sea. 23 Therefore He said that He would destroy them, Had not Moses His chosen one stood in the breach before Him, To turn away His wrath from destroying them. 24 Then they despised the pleasant land ; They did not believe in His word, 25 But grumbled in their tents ; They did not listen to the voice of the LORD. 26 Therefore He swore to them That He would cast them down in the wilderness, 27 And that He would cast their seed among the nations And scatter them in the lands. 28 They joined themselves also to Baal-peor, And ate sacrifices offered to the dead. 29 Thus they provoked Him to anger with their deeds, And the plague broke out among them. 30 Then Phinehas stood up and interposed, And so the plague was stayed. 31 And it was reckoned to him for righteousness, To all generations forever .32 They also provoked Him to wrath at the waters of Meribah, So that it went hard with Moses on their account ; 33 Because they were rebellious against His Spirit, He spoke rashly with his lips.34 They did not destroy the peoples, As the LORD commanded them, 35 But they mingled with the nations And learned their practices, 36 And served their idols, Which became a snare to them.37 They even sacrificed their sons and their daughters to the demons, 38 And shed innocent blood, The blood of their sons and their daughters, Whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan ; And the land was polluted with the blood. 39 Thus they became unclean in their practices, Andplayed the harlot in their deeds. 40 Therefore the anger of the LORD was kindled against Hispeople And He abhorred His inheritance. 41 Then He gave them into the hand of the nations, And those who hated them ruled over them. 42 Their enemies also oppressed them, And they were subdued under their power. 43 Many times He would deliver them; They, however, were rebellious in their counsel, And so sank down in their iniquity. 44 Nevertheless, He looked upon their distress When He heard their cry ; 45 And He remembered His covenant for their sake, And relented according to the greatness of His loving kindness. 46 He also made them objects of compassion In the presence of all their captors. 47 Save us, O LORD our God, And gather us from among the nations, To give thanks to Your holy name And glory in Your praise. 48 Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, From everlasting even to everlasting. And let all the people say, "Amen." Praise the LORD !

I am blessed with AWESOME friends!

So today has been a difficult day for me...I have several friends who are pregnant and a few are entering the 2nd trimester and one found out today that she is having a boy....And while I am thrilled that they are blessed with healthy pregnancies, it's hard to handle sometimes.  It makes me sad and even jealous. So, anyway Haidie-bug and I went to my best friend "A"s house today.  And she could tell that I was feeling down so she shows me her necklace that her husband gave her....but she also added a best friend charm.  I was like "aww that's so sweet, who gave you that?" and she said "someone special" and she hands me a box.  I was thinking that it was the other half of the charm and it was but it was on a charm bracelet, filled with charms that will remind me of my living children, Ian, and my friends.  It is truly one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received!  She said she had been working on it for a while and was going to wait to give it to me but she could tell I need a little pick-me-up.

on the bracelet there is: 2 little boys (Brycen and Ian), a little girl (Haiden), a support ribbon (because she knows how I feel about raising awareness), an elephant( because of our "elephant ministry") an angel( to remind me that Ian is dancing with angels), a butterfly (because of the butterfly that we found on the day we found out that Ian had passed), a best friend charm (self explainable),a cross( to remind me of my faith in God, and know that he has a plan for me and my life) a  picture of a tree (because,when we first started hanging out James and A were talking about how friends were like trees: you have some that are like the leaves and will leave you at the drop of a hat; you have the weaker branches, who will be there through the good times but when times get hard they disappear; the trunk that while sturdy can still be chopped down....and then you have the roots!  The roots are deep and hold the tree up when all else fails)   

I thank God for her!  She's never been afraid of talking about Ian, in fear of upsetting me.  She calls him by name!  I know to some that may seem weird that calling him by his name makes me happy but when I lost him, I learned that many people don't really consider him a baby so to have someone acknowledge him and call him by name is a blessing!  She also made cupcakes for him on the day of our d&c.  She has let me cry and actually cried with me!  So, "A" if you're reading this:  I love you!    Thank you for being a root!