Have I forgotten?

So yesterday in Sunday School, our teacher was talking about faith and miracles...and she stated that  OBs witness the miracle and beauty of child birth everyday....and it hit me, I no longer look at child birth as beautiful.  I have forgotten what it is like to have a "happy" pregnancy and birth....when I see a pregnant woman I don't think "aww she's got a little one on the way" I think "Ian's gone, Ian's gone, Ian's gone" like a broken record.  Its like I have completely forgotten the happy anticipation of having a little one growing inside of me....I hate that!  My last memory of child birth isn't pleasant....I didn't get the whole "push mama, push" and then have a slippery baby placed on my chest....my baby was taken from me....I didn't get to hold him.....I didn't get to tell him that I love him....I didn't get to kiss his little baby toes.....I didn't get any of that.  All I got was a vital records lady getting me to sign a paper stating that the hospital could dispose of my baby...except she didn't even say baby...... being wheeled into a room carrying my baby.and waking up empty....babyless.....so yeah my view is a little twisted....last year or even 6 mths ago for the that matter, if someone had asked me about child birth I would have laughed and said "as long as I have my epidural, I'm good" and I might would have went into details about how long I was in labor and how much the kids weighed....but now that question is painful.  I know that in time I will be able to answer that question in the same manner as I used to but for now.....I'll refrain. However, I do want to add that I'm not heartless, I do think that giving birth is a miracle....its just my memories of birth aren't as beautiful as they once were....

out with the old....

My house is cluttered.....so I am in the process of getting rid of things that we no longer can use.  Some of which is, yup, you guessed it, maternity clothes and baby gear.  I got rid of some stuff a while back and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be....but this time I am getting rid of it all (with the exception of a few special pieces that we are getting made into a quilt for the kids).  There is a mom at the daycare with 4 kids...3 here, 1 in utero. Baby to be was a big surprise so she is starting all over...kindof.  Her youngest is a 11 mth old little boy (whom I just ADORE!!!!) and new baby is a girl.  So, I decided to give her Haiden's stuff that she has out grown....I'm really dreading it!  And I'm also selling the tandem stroller tomorrow.  It was bought for Haiden and Ian to share....but since Ian isn't here and Brycen is too big, its just a waste, I need an umbrella stroller.  But I really don't want to sell it, b/c it is the ONLY thing that we bought for him....  I keep telling myself that its not that big of a deal, people get rid of stuff all the time right?  Holding on to this stuff is not healthy....I can't use it.....I don't need it.....but getting rid of it means two things.....1) Ian  is really gone (something that I have accepted but still stings) and 2) there will never be any more babies in my house.....I'm not exactly sure that I'm ready to face that reality.  I've known it for awhile, but this will "seal the deal"  as long as there was baby gear and maternity clothes there was always a chance....a hope.....for another little one to snuggle.

Hidden anguish......

Yesterday James, Haiden, and I went shopping for some "professional looking clothes" for James to wear to a shoot that he will be doing in November. While he was trying clothes on, Haiden was getting so hyper.  All she wanted to do was run around the store touching everything.....so I finally got a cart and while we were walking one of the sales clerks stopped to talk to us.  We were just chatting about how active Haiden was and I told her that my oldest wasn't nearly this wild when he was her age.  She asked how old he was and when I told her she said "oh my, you really spaced them out huh?  My 2 are 14mths apart, it wasn't planned that way but they are" and all of a sudden she gets this incredibly sad look on her face and said "after we had them we were done.  I wish we would have had more but....its too late now" and she just kept looking at Haiden with the saddest expression.  So, I decided I'd share a little about Ian....she said "oh I'm so sorry..." and then found an excuse to get back to work.  It made me wonder.  Did she have a miscarriage? Did she deal with secondary infertility?  Something about this lady made me want to just reach out and  give her a big hug and tell her "I'm sorry".....and I'm not even sure if there was anything to be sorry about......

October

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I never knew this until Ian passed..... so on my Facebook page I have been putting links to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and Destiny in Bloom(this is a link to a  tribute video, I highly recommend watching) and even a even a note that I wrote about what not to say when someone has a miscarriage.  I know some people read my "note" because I had a handful of people to comment.....but its amazing how I can post a picture of Haiden or tell about something funny that Brycen said and I'll have about 15 people comment...but I post one of those links, maybe one or two people will "like" or say "hugs"....  I have 2 theory's for this: 1) they are tired of me posting about pregnancy loss ( I also posted links to various sites around August 19th) or 2) its still too much of a taboo subject and it makes people uncomfortable.....well you know what it makes ME uncomfortable too.  I don't like to relive the day that I learned my son died, but I do, every day....I don't like the fact that I never got to hold him....and I REALLY don't like the fact that most people don't acknowledge him as a baby....but you know what it happened!  It happened to me, it happens to 2,000 women in the U.S. alone EVERY SINGLE DAY! But yet no one talks about it.  Every where I look I see pink ribbons....because October is also Breast Cancer Awareness month, people actually talk about breast cancer....companies put ribbons on their products to show support....why? Because everyone  knows someone who has had breast cancer and beat it or had breast cancer and sadly lost their battle....but I can almost guarantee that everyone also knows someone who has either had a miscarriage or stillbirth (right off the top of my head I'm counting 6...and I'm not even trying) but yet no one acknowledges these babies....its too painful.  No one wants to hear about a baby dying...babies aren't supposed to die.....but they do.  And if more people would just be willing to acknowledge these babies then maybe losing a baby wouldn't feel so lonely....

Calvin's Hats

I was on an online support forum and this lady posted about Calvin's Hats.  I decided to check it out. The creator of this foundation has never lost a child....but her close friend has, a sweet little baby boy named Calvin, who passed away at just 22 weeks gestation.  I was so touched by this!  That this wonderful lady would start AN ORGANIZATION for her friend's baby!   I decided that I would send in a request for a hat, because  we didn't know Ian's gender until after he passed,and we never had the opportunity to buy him anything that was just his (unless you count the tandem stroller that I bought for him and Hadien). I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but when the hat came... (one day before what would have been his due date) ....I wept.  Not just tears of sorrow but tears of joy.  I now have something that belongs to ONLY Ian.  Something that was created just for him.  And that made me incredibly sad and incredibly happy at the same time.  

This is the card that came in the package along with his hat

their business card

this is his sweet little hat next to one of Haiden's binkys.....Its so amazing that my sweet little man would have been this tiny

his hat next to a quarter

So, to the ladies who created this organization, and to the ladies who donate their time to make these sweet little hats.....Thank you!  You've touched my heart!  I have no words to describe how much this organization has blessed me.  (to read Ian's story from the beginning.....

Change of pace for tonight's post - All about Brycen!

This will be a completely different post from my others....But I wanted to share the good parts of my life too....Most of my posts are so gloomy....mainly because I created this site as an outlet for my grief. 

Some things that I post will never be spoken (aloud) of to anyone....

BUT tonight is all about Brycen......(his birthday was 9/30 party was today)

This is my 6 year old!!!!! (the crazy grin was the look I got when I asked him what a 6 year old looks like)  He is growing up to be such a character.  Instead of having a "normal" party he wanted an XBOX party...but since none of his friends play the xbox....he wanted to invite his daddy's friends....so  this morning was family "drop-in" and then at 2....my house  looked like a bachelor pad.....James was thrilled...me not so much.   

...... And here are a few pics from our annual birthday zoo trip                    

early morning nap

checking out the map while chilling on the back of the stroller

he didn't want his picture taken LOL

greetings from Riverbanks Zoo

Brycen took this pic

and this one

....and this one

Every since Brycen was a year old we have went to the zoo on his birthday (or the 1st day James was off) and even though he's in school this year....we decided to let him "play hooky"...  Our zoo trip usually goes like this:....Brycen zooms past all the exhibits with me chasing after him, while James  takes a million pictures of EVERYTHING(I don't think I have mentioned before but James does photography as a side job, but all photos posted on this blog are my 'not so handy work'). But this year was different.  Brycen slowed down and used my camera to take pictures of the animals and actually ask questions about the different animals...I loved it.....when I wasn't chasing Haiden (but she was in the stroller for the most of the day).  Its amazing how much he has changed in these past few months!    He is such an amazing little guy and I am so blessed to be his mommy!