(warning...random...eggnog....blubbering mess post....) Christmas Eve

Tonight is Christmas Eve....a night filled with wonder, amusement, and yes even frustrations. But this year I'm also aching....aching to hold my sweet baby boy....aching for someone other than me to say his name....aching to kiss him goodnight and fill his stocking with love, pacis, and socks.....
I keep waiting...hoping even, that someone other than James or myself will mention his name...say how much that they miss him too.... say that he's having a wonderful Christmas with Jesus, the angels, his Papa, and his Granny Brown....


Tonight we had our Christmas at my Nanny's house early...since everyone has church in the am and then  separate inlaws afterwards......and I kept looking for a gift for Ian....I know its silly to think that someone would buy a gift for a child who isn't here....but I desperately wanted...needed....for him to be acknowledged as part of the family....I keep hoping that one of our Christmas cards will be addressed to all of us...with his name on the card....even though he's not physically here, he is still a member of the family...I know that when loved ones die we take their names off of cards and stuff...but I just want him to be remembered... and loved, the way that I love him.


Merry Christmas Ian!  Mommy Loves you so much!  My heart aches for you everyday!  There are so many things I wish we could do together....so many things I would love to teach you....I wish I could kiss your sweet cherub cheeks...but until we meet face to face....just know that I love you and miss you desperately!

Ian's new friend....

So, I got a call from "A" the other day, and she's like "Beck,  'MK' (her oldest) wants to talk to you....I'm not sure how your going to take this...but she's asking to talk to you.  Be strong...." and she kinda trails off.  I knew that her mom's doggy had passed so I thought that 'MK' was just wanting to tell me about it....well she did...our conversation went alittle like this....
'MK': Aunt Becky?
Me: yeah babe?
'MK': Ian has a new friend today....Lilly, our puppy is in Heaven with him.

So, I'm trying to be strong....trying not to cry....but I did.  I was so touched that this sweet, sweet, little girl (she's 8) thinks that much of me and my son!  I mean, SHE is the one that just lost a puppy and she is calling ME to let me know that my baby isn't alone...that he has a friend!  I wanted to reach through the phone and hug her!  So I did what anyone would do...I pulled it together and told her that I was so sorry and that I bet that Ian and Lilly were playing fetch together.  I also told her that they were happy and not in any pain....talked for a few more mins....got off the phone and sobbed like a little girl.

The dream...

Last night I had the oddest dream!  And it felt SO real....in the dream I had 3 living children, Brycen, Haiden, and a baby boy.  It was a hectic day and we were all running around trying to get ready to leave, and I kept referring to the baby as Ian.  Not mistakenly either...and then James walks over to me and sits me down, with a sincere and worried look and says "babe, you know that's not Ian....that's Brayden"  and I sobbed and sobbed, not only because I missed Ian but also because I wasn't giving the new baby the attention and love that he deserved.  It was such a strange dream!  It also made me realize that no matter how many children we have...I will always long for my sweet Ian.  He will always be loved and missed! 
Edited to add: When I told James about my dream he said "what was that name?" and I said "Brayden"....he thought for a moment and  said "hmmm, like Brycen and Haiden put together" (Haiden is traditionally spelled Hayden)....how odd is that?!?!?! When I woke up and started "analyzing" the dream I thought: Brayden ends with an 'n'.....just like Brycen, Haiden, and Ian.  It wasn't done on purpose with Haiden but it was with Ian...so Brayden just fit....I didn't realize that it fit that well.

overwhelmed...

With Christmas right around the corner, I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I miss him terribly!  I look at my babies in my class (at the daycare where I work), in their 'Baby's 1st Christmas' sleepers and bibs and it makes my heart drop...Ian should be one of those babies...sleeping in his little crib at daycare....he would have just started about a week ago...all of my coworkers would be coming in the room to sneak a peak at the newest addition. They'd ooh and aww over his tiny feet and talk about how much he looks like his siblings....we'd all laugh about my "oops baby" and they'd ask if I knew "what causes that"....I'd be complaining about sore boobs and lack of sleep...but I'd be blissfully happy....  but instead, I put on a fake smile and I love on someone else's baby.... I still snuggle with Brycen and Haiden...when they let me(they think they're too grown) and I cherish every moment...even when they are trying my patience, I take a deep breath and think "its ok....breathe and smile...breathe and smile" ...after all they are only little for a while....

Last night we went to a local Japanese restaurant (Brycen's fave) and he's counting EVERYTHING....and he says "how many in our family?" ...he points to each of us at the table "1,2,3,4" then he points up to the sky and says "5....Ian makes 5 right Mama?"  It makes me so sad to know that he'll never get to play with his brother on this side of Heaven....but it makes me so happy to know that he loves his brother just the same.  He is such a compassionate little boy and it makes me so proud.

I'll leave you with a song that James found and shared with me today.....it speaks volumes!  It reminds me that yes, life does go on....keep breathing....keep pushing forward....

Last night  a local cemetery, where my grandpa is buried, had a candle light service. My grandma called me Thurs. night to tell me the time and she told me she was going to pick up a candle for Ian as well.  It made my heart sing.  Even though he's not buried there we lit a candle for him.  We also released 3 little balloons for him because Brycen wanted to send him a message.  His message was so cute: I am on green. ~Brycen.  I know that to most people that doesn't make sense but to kindergarten teachers it may.  They have a behavior chart with 7 colors....pink being the worse, red being the best (this one always makes me giggle b/c I associate red with bad), and green is in the middle, where they start.  We have been having behavior problems with Brycen this month so we were all excited when he got on green again.  So he decided that he had to share it with Ian.  It made me smile. I surprised myself and kept it together....it felt good to go there and do something special for him.

I saw an old friend from school there.  We have been chatting back and forth on Facebook for a while but it was so good to see her.  Back in Sept of 09 she had a stillborn little boy "J" and then another miscarriage this year in Sept.  She is such a sweet person, and it doesn't seem fair that she has to endure so much heartache.  Even though I hate that ANYONE has to lose a child its nice to have friends that understand and truly "get it".  Most people are like "aww I'm sorry" but don't really want to get into it...but when you've been there....you know the pain, the guilt, the agony associated with losing a little one and you want to talk to others and help each other though it.  I like to think that our babies play with each other in Heaven. It may be a silly notion, but I do.  I hope they run and play games and do all the things that children should together. When I think of Ian in Heaven...I don't think of him as a baby, I think of him as a small child like Brycen's age....I don't know why but I do.  I hope that when we finally meet face to face, he'll look at me and say "I love you too, Mama, I love you too"....

Ian's ornament

I told James a few weeks ago that I wanted to find an elephant ornament for our tree this year (which by the way...usually never gets put up until about 2 weeks before Christmas LOL) but I didn't want anything cheesy....and then it dawned on me, my friend Denise has a facebook boutique filled with cute little ornaments and "knickknacks".  I knew she would do a good job, but I'm blown away at the details! It looks like something that I would have bought at Hobby Lobby or something (the picture doesn't even begin to do it justice)

day 7

Today I am thankful for "SM" and "AB" my two best friends!

"S" has been my best friend since my freshman year in high school.  She is awesome.  We can spend the afternoon just watching movies, shopping, or just sitting quietly...and no matter what we do it will still be a great day.  She is the one who will listen....never interrupt and sometimes give a few words of advice when I'm done venting, crying, telling a crazy story...She is part of my family.   She knows my "triggers" and will give me a heads up when needed.  Two examples of this : 1) I love to read and so does she.  So, we often swap books back and forth....well,  Nicholas Sparks is one of our favorite writers and in his newest book the main character has a child that dies...."S" warned me...I handle things better when I know its coming.    2) ok don't laugh but I like the Twilight books....the newest movie just came out.  Usually James  and I go see the newest at the theater....but in this book Bella is pregnant with Edward's baby (so 1/2 human 1/2 vampire) and everyone wants to kill the "spawn" and I didn't know if I could handle watching it....so "S" was going with another one of our mutual friends and I asked her to let me know....she called me that night and said "it's good...but please wait before you go see it" and left it at that.  She is great :)

"sending a party to Ian"

In hopes of making me laugh "A" said "now we need to figure out how to send him a cupcake"

I have only known "A" since I was pregnant with Haiden.  She had (at the time) 2 girls and she wanted my husband to take some pictures of them.  And we just hit it off.  Her girls are around Brycen's age and her little man is about 8mths younger than Haiden so its easy to get together and hang out.  "A" was the friend who made me the charm bracelet, she has also made tiny cupcakes for Ian on the day of our D&C.  She has really tried to always remember him and find little ways to honor his memory.  The newest "tradition" is when one of her children have a birthday after the birthday she "sends a party to baby Ian in Heaven",  by sending all the balloons up.  Her oldest had a party yesterday and I stuck around to see it...it broke my heart but it made me happy to.  I love her for this. 

Every since the party yesterday I have been in a funk....it made me miss him even more.

Day 6(warning....random and all over the place)

Today I am grateful for vehicles that run, and awesome parents who still take care of their "little girl."  Earlier in the week our car went .....kapooeeee.....we live in a small town so there is no public transportation....we have 2 vehicles, a car that all 4 of us can fit in, and a truck that 3 of us can squeeze into.  James usually takes the truck, and the kiddos and I  take the car on days that we have to work.  So, since the car wouldn't start and James and I both had to work and Brycen had school, my wonderful parents agreed to let Haiden spend a couple of nights with them.  It was harder than I would have thought....she has spent the night away before, but only when we've had a date night(which unfortunately only happens every few mths)...this was a necessity, and it just felt wrong.   So, Brycen and I took James to work early (we had to leave our house 30mins earlier than normal...which was 6am)  and then rush to get Brycen to school and myself to work on time....then after work/school we'd come home do homework, cook dinner, go get James from work, and then all of us go visit Haiden at my parents.  She loved spending the extra time with them without having to "share" their attention.....but I really missed her.  My parents were great about it and spoiled her rotten.  They kept her Sunday night and Monday night and then we brought her home Tuesday night b/c James was off on Wednesday but they came and got her mid-day on Wed. for James and a co-worker to fix our car (which turned out to be only the starter).  I am so incredibly thankful that my parents were willing to watch our diva for a few days....and even though James' truck and I have a love/hate relationship...I am thankful that "she" is reliable.