I was going to write a long post today, about how I feel ...but I can't.  Words can't describe how I feel.  I feel broken, I feel defeated, but at the same time I feel peace....How is it that I can have such contrasting emotions going on?  I miss Ian.  I long to see his little face...I long to rock him to sleep, and to cuddle up next to him....but I also know that he is safe.  Safe from all the evils of the world, safe from sickness, from pain....he has only known love!  And that makes me happy....

A few days ago made a year from the first and only time we ever heard Ian's heartbeat.... at our first appt we had a sonogram and we weren't able to hear his heartbeat yet...but we saw his heart flickering away.  But at our 2nd appointment we heard it loud and clear....I remember it like it was yesterday....
Dr. R.  came in and got my measurements and then he started searching for the baby's heartbeat.  He found one, mine.  He searched some more and he laughed and said "I keep hearing both of them" and I practically jumped up off the table and James said "both heartbeats?" our Dr. laughed and said "yes, Becky's and the baby's"  LOL.  James took out his cell and recorded Ian's heartbeat and then later we texted it to our family saying that "Dr. R heard both heartbeats today" ...not even 2 mins later we got at least 5 texts saying "BOTH???"  We got quite a kick out of everyone thinking that there was another baby hiding in there....