Life after loss

My life after Ian has changed SO much!  Not just my attitude but everything!  My personality, my physical self, my relationships with others, my relationship with God.....

Personality wise....I'm more pessimistic now than ever.  Before I tried to find the good in everything and everyone.  Now I struggle with that.  I tend to be more depressed.  I don't smile as much.  I will say that I become more outspoken on what I believe in. Before I might just let things go...but now if I feel strongly about something I will speak out.

Physically.....I have gained 30 pounds over the course of the past year!!!!  I was this size when I got pregnant with Haiden...but when I started nursing her the weight started dropping off.  Then when we got pregnant with Ian, I had terrible morning sickness so I lost about 9 more pounds, and then after Ian passed...I lost him, his weight, and any fluids that contributed to being pregnant....with all that I was pretty dang skinny.  But since the weight wasn't lost in a healthy way...and I'm a stress eater...I gained it all back.  I know that many people tend to not eat as much when they are stressed...but I am completely the opposite.  I will eat mindlessly and then feel bad about it later.  I eat because it makes me feel good for the moment...I eat because it makes me forget.....Its comfort.  I have started walking on our treadmill and will hopefully be able to join a gym in the next few weeks...but I really need to cut out my soda intake and all the sweets....

My relationships with others.....has somewhat suffered.  I tend to look too much into what people say.  I (sometimes) get offended when a friend or family member tells me that someone is pregnant....I think "why should I care?  Ian died!  I don't want to hear about someone else's successful pregnancy'.  I think that my relationship with James is improved.  I think we are a stronger couple because we learned to understand how the other person thinks and processes....it's a give and take.  Sometimes James needs to be alone...even when I just want to be held...I've learned to give him space.  He's learned that sometimes I need to talk, and get it all out....he'll talk and listen even if it's killing him inside.

My relationship with God....has been a roller coaster ride.  When I first got pregnant with Ian, I was upset with God...'how could this happen?  how are we going to take care of 3 children?'  Then after my inital shock was over I was thrilled I was thankful God had given us another blessing.  After we lost Ian...immediately after I knew that God would get me through this storm...but then after a few weeks/months, I was so angry with Him!  'How could He take my baby??? Why do baby's have to die at all?  Why can't I feel Him near me?'  and now...I have a renewed relationship with God.  It's not where it should be...but I feel close to him.  I know that He has held my hand and walked me through the storm every step of the way. It was me who turned my back on Him. God doesn't promise us that we won't have storms....but He promises to be there for us and to pick us back up when we can't do it on our own. There is a quote that I heard recently that is kinda fitting..."Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain"  I can be mad and turn my back on the world...but it isn't going to bring Ian back!  God has given me so much to be thankful for!  I have 2 living children, a wonderful husband, a job that helps pay the mortgage...it's part-time and it doesn't pay much...but it allows me to spend time with the kids AND help James pay the bills.  I am also thankful that we are albe to help others get through their grief....I would have never started this organization if  Ian hadn't passed away.  I hate, HATE, HATE, that Ian isn't here with me...but I'm learning that because of him, I am a stronger person.

This past year has been the hardest year of my life!  It has been a roller coaster ride that I'm not sure I'll ever get off of....I will always miss Ian.  I will always love Ian. But I'm learning to live with out Ian....I'm going to have days where I'm ok...I will laugh.  I will smile. And when people say 'How are you?' I won't have to lie...I can say "I'm good"  but I'm also going to have days that suck!  Days that I just don't feel like getting out of bed and dealing with anyone....but thankfully there aren't as many of those days anymore.  I have learned that its OK to be sad....its OK to be angry...and I'm learning that its OK to be HAPPY!  My grief has defined me for a year now.  But I'm ready, (I know, I know, I've said that before) ready to move forward with my life!  I used to think that moving forward meant that I was betraying Ian...like I was saying that it's OK that he died...It's NOT OK that he died....but...IT IS OK for me to take charge of my life!  I don't want people to look and me and say "oh yeah, that's Becky, her son died, and now she just can't function" I want people to say "yeah, her son Ian died.  But she has turned her negative into a positive for herself, her family, and for GOD".