A year ago.....I found out I was pregnant.  At the time I was shocked, confused, and devastated...it took a good 2 weeks before I finally got excited.  I always knew I would love this baby...but it took me a while to come to terms.  Looking back I hate myself for being so upset.  I know that nothing that I said or did would have changed the outcome, but I always have that "what if: I loved him more fiercely in the beginning" or "what if: I'd drank a little less caffeine"  Neither of these things caused me to lose him...but doubt always creeps back in.....I miss him.  I long to hold him in my arms....

I haven't posted these in awhile...so if there are any new readers:
To read our story from the beginning. or to follow us on Facebook

I found out why so many couples split up, when tragedy strikes....this weekend hubby and I were both in a funk... he deals with it completely different than I do!  I tend to want to talk....he tends to shut down and shut every one out in the process.  Grief isn't pretty...It's raw, and snotty (sorry for the visual) and its personal.....If everyone dealt with grief the same way life would be so much easier. James and I spent most of Sat at each other's throats...over petty stuff.  And at the end of the day what it all came down to was: we were both overwhelmed, we both were missing Ian terribly, and neither one of us knew how to "make it all better".  That night we held each other....and let it out.  Never in a million years, did I think that our lives would turn out this way....but I'm so glad that God put James here to help me through it. I'd be lost with out him.

Edited to Add:
I know that it's been a week ....but I FINALLY remembered the name of the hymn(that caused a mini break down in church).....its called:Because He Lives.  If you are Baptist (especially Southern Baptist) I'm sure you are familiar with it. But for those who aren't....I'm including the link....the part that left me a blubbering mess is verse 2.Listen to it here....its not the best version but its the best that I could find.

These past few days have been hard for me....as you know we started up our Facebook page and I'm in the process of writing a letter to put in the care packages for the moms (signed simply Ian's mommy) and I "told" our story to everyone...putting it in words, brings back so many painful memories....memories that I had let myself put "on the back shelf" and while I know that its for a great cause...its just making me miss Ian even more.  Jan is also the month that I first suspected that I was pregnant again....I keep thinking: this time last year I was pregnant....Ian was still here...

I've been a big grouch to my hubby this week...and he doesn't deserve it....I catch him looking at me and he'll say "babe, what's wrong?" He knows I'm upset but I just can't say anything...I know if I do, I'm going to breakdown...and I'm trying so hard to keep it together....so, I keep my head up high and keep pushing forward..

meltdown in church.....(a bit random)

So, the kids and I went to church today, solo..James works every other weekend...Brycen was in Children's church and Haiden was in the nursery...so that left me sitting by myself.  We were singing this old hymn that I remember from my childhood (but unfortunately I can't think of the name of the song...I have a brain fart...sorry)  and the second verse starts out something like "how precious to hold a newborn baby"...I have heard the song many times and I don't remember the verse being there....but it startled me.....instantly I'm crying....my arms aching to hold my little Ian....I was glad I was in the back because I know people would have thought that I'm a nut.....but at the same time I wish I had someone there to hold me and say "listen to the rest of the song"...because the rest song talks about how wonderful it will when we are in Heaven. ( its driving me crazy that I suddenly forgot the name of the song or exactly how the lyrics go...) Today was the 1st day since Christmas that I have "broken down" I was doing so well..and then BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I miss my little guy!  When the song was playing I was crying...and daydreaming....I pictured myself holding my baby, swaying back and forth, singing this song to him, smiling down at him....It was a beautiful thought.....

SERIOUSLY?

I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company saying to be sure that we send them our baby's social security number! Seriously!?!?!?! How am I supposed to respond to that?  Should I do nothing or should I call.... its like adding insult to injury.....Ian passed in April....and yes I'm aware that he should be 3 1/2 months.....did you really have to send me a letter? UGH!  I don't think I can call them....

I just shared our story with the facebook page.......OMG that was harder than I thought it would be.  But I wanted people to know exactly who we are reaching out to.  I know that many people won't read it....and thats OK...but I felt that it was important.

Our ministry is really moving fast.  We have gotten enough donations to make 7 care packages!!!!  My mom and I went and bought the journals, tissue, and ink pens today and I will be ordering the elephants sometime this weekend.  I thank God for allowing these people to help out!  I pray that these care packages will help bring some closure to these families.....I know they have me.  I feel that by doing this then Ian's life mattered! Ian's short little life is making a difference!!!  And that makes me happy.

I did it......

I did it!  I created a Facebook page for Ian's Elephants!!!!   I was so nervous but as soon as my page went "public" and I posted about it on my page 4 of my friends liked my page!!!  I'm so excited to do this.  I talked to the nurse at my Dr's office today and she said they only have 2 or 3 left and they have been very helpful....  this was all the motivation that I needed!  I pray that by just a small elephant and a journal I can help someone.  My goal is to get 20 more care packages donated by Ian's Birthday in April...its a stretch but its possible!  I have created a paypal....it's ianselephants@yahoo.com and am looking in to getting some "awareness" bracelets soon as well....

creativeness.....

 so January is  International Creativity Month, and  Faces of Loss is doing a whole series of "activities" to do, to help women heal through creative outlets....so the last activity (found here) looked like something I could do...but I didn't do it exactly like she wanted...

Tonight, the hubby and I went to a local shop called "Van Gogh to Go", its a place where an instructor teaches you how to paint a picture that you wouldn't normally be able to do on your own.  We've been planning on going for a while but it just never worked out....(I went with "A" back in November and we had a blast) . Usually she picks a painting and everybody paints the same thing.... but tonight she let everybody choose what they wanted to paint....it was chaotic.  But I was glad because it gave me the opportunity to paint thisto most people it looks like something that a 6 year old might paint but to me it has a deeper meaning.  The bright colors inside of the heart represent all the good things that I have in my life....and the hole is the void that was left when Ian passed.  No matter how many great and wonderful things happen to me....I will always hold a place in my heart for Ian.  I still feel like the painting is "missing" something but I'm not quite sure what....I asked the instructor and she suggested that I fill in the middle with the background color that way it would look like the heart was floating in the sky....I started to do it but then I ultimately decided that it was best unpainted....(to read our story from the beginning click here)

New Year=New Me?

Let me start off by wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I pray that everyone will have a very blessed and peaceful year.  I told James that I am praying for a better new year....I don't think I can handle another year like last one.  Don't get me wrong, 2011 wasn't ALL bad, but I will say that it is probably the hardest, most trying year that I have ever experienced.  

I want to make a few improvements in my life this year.  I won't call them resolutions b/c resolutions are usually almost  always broken...but improvements seem to work.  First off I'm going more "public" with Ian's Elephants.  I'm going to start a Facebook page in hopes of raising money and awareness for our ministry.  We donated 10 care packages last year...5 to my OB's office and 5 to a local hospital.  We also gave a few individual elephants to some women that we knew who had recently had miscarriages.   But in order to help more women/families we are going to have to enlist more help.  So, we are going to start with the facebook page (I'm nervous about this by the way) and we are also going to order some silicon bracelets to sell. They will probably  be blue and say "Ian's Elephants" on one side and Psalm 40 on the other.  I am also toying around with the idea of speaking at a few churches.....which scares the crap out of me....I'm not a public speaker, (if you think I ramble when I type, just ask my hubby how bad it is in person, I can't count the times he has said "rewind, and complete the first thought before you go on to the next")...and the idea of getting up in front of a crowd makes my stomach turn... not to mention the fear that people will think that our care packages are silly......

Next thing on my list, is to lose some weight.  I have gained 20LBs, (TWENTY!) in the last 8 mths!  I am a stress eater and obviously this has been a stressful year....so I'm going to check into joining the local Y, and cut back on the junk foods....I went shopping for jeans last week and I was so disgusted with myself...I haven't been this big in a long time....and its time for a change.

I also want to start reading my Bible more. Start a daily devotional, and a prayer journal....my faith was shaken this year.  I'm still a Christian, and I still love Christ....but my walk with Him has suffered.  I'm not even as active in church .....there was one month where I don't think I went to church at all! This is bad for me and my family.  I want Brycen and Haiden to grow up learning the Bible and to know that when we said goodbye to Ian that it was only temporary. Even though we assure Brycen that Ian is Ok...he still doesn't quite get it....last night on our way to a friend's new years eve bash, he was looking out the window and he said "wow, the moon looks awesome....maybe Ian is going to sleep right now.....do you think he's ok now?"  So, naturally we told him 'of course he's ok, he's happy bud'

One change I am thinking about making to the blog is, posting at least 1 positive post a month. This blog has been an outlet for my grief....I 'say' things on here that are never said out loud...to the outside world I am a "strong woman" but on here I can let it out....share my feelings...cry...and vent...without being pitied. I don't want pity...I just want understanding.  But my "blog world" rarely ever sees the other side of me.  Yes, I have had a horrible time dealing with my grief but I do have some happy, amazing even, parts of my life too.   I don't blog about my living children on here that often, because I know that most women who read this blog have just experienced a loss and reading about my children's crazy antics can be a "trigger" of sorts....so when and if I do decide to post about them here, there will be a "disclaimer".....or maybe I will start a "sister blog" .......

Wow this has been a loooong post, but I just wanted to add that when we went to James' mom's house on Christmas, she gave us something to put in our yard for Ian.....I was shocked by this......but I was so happy that someone thought to buy something for him.  It made me happy.  I hugged her and told her too...which shocked her b/c she almost didn't give it to us b/c she thought it might upset us.  I told her "I'm going to cry....but I'm going to do that regardless of Ian is mentioned or not.  I am just happy that you remembered him."