I am feeling a little blue this morning.  I just want to hold him.  To cuddle him.  To tell him that I love him.  I have been doing a lot better lately.  The sad moments are fewer but this morning...while I was in that 'not quite awake...but not asleep' mode...I almost begged God to give me a vision of what my Ian looks like. Just a quick glimpse.  It wouldn't be enough of course...but at least I'd know.  Does he have my nose, James' eyes....does he have Haiden's curls or Brycen's crooked grin?  Unfortunately, I'll never get to find out...at least not on this side of Heaven.

Life after loss

My life after Ian has changed SO much!  Not just my attitude but everything!  My personality, my physical self, my relationships with others, my relationship with God.....

Personality wise....I'm more pessimistic now than ever.  Before I tried to find the good in everything and everyone.  Now I struggle with that.  I tend to be more depressed.  I don't smile as much.  I will say that I become more outspoken on what I believe in. Before I might just let things go...but now if I feel strongly about something I will speak out.

Physically.....I have gained 30 pounds over the course of the past year!!!!  I was this size when I got pregnant with Haiden...but when I started nursing her the weight started dropping off.  Then when we got pregnant with Ian, I had terrible morning sickness so I lost about 9 more pounds, and then after Ian passed...I lost him, his weight, and any fluids that contributed to being pregnant....with all that I was pretty dang skinny.  But since the weight wasn't lost in a healthy way...and I'm a stress eater...I gained it all back.  I know that many people tend to not eat as much when they are stressed...but I am completely the opposite.  I will eat mindlessly and then feel bad about it later.  I eat because it makes me feel good for the moment...I eat because it makes me forget.....Its comfort.  I have started walking on our treadmill and will hopefully be able to join a gym in the next few weeks...but I really need to cut out my soda intake and all the sweets....

My relationships with others.....has somewhat suffered.  I tend to look too much into what people say.  I (sometimes) get offended when a friend or family member tells me that someone is pregnant....I think "why should I care?  Ian died!  I don't want to hear about someone else's successful pregnancy'.  I think that my relationship with James is improved.  I think we are a stronger couple because we learned to understand how the other person thinks and processes....it's a give and take.  Sometimes James needs to be alone...even when I just want to be held...I've learned to give him space.  He's learned that sometimes I need to talk, and get it all out....he'll talk and listen even if it's killing him inside.

My relationship with God....has been a roller coaster ride.  When I first got pregnant with Ian, I was upset with God...'how could this happen?  how are we going to take care of 3 children?'  Then after my inital shock was over I was thrilled I was thankful God had given us another blessing.  After we lost Ian...immediately after I knew that God would get me through this storm...but then after a few weeks/months, I was so angry with Him!  'How could He take my baby??? Why do baby's have to die at all?  Why can't I feel Him near me?'  and now...I have a renewed relationship with God.  It's not where it should be...but I feel close to him.  I know that He has held my hand and walked me through the storm every step of the way. It was me who turned my back on Him. God doesn't promise us that we won't have storms....but He promises to be there for us and to pick us back up when we can't do it on our own. There is a quote that I heard recently that is kinda fitting..."Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain"  I can be mad and turn my back on the world...but it isn't going to bring Ian back!  God has given me so much to be thankful for!  I have 2 living children, a wonderful husband, a job that helps pay the mortgage...it's part-time and it doesn't pay much...but it allows me to spend time with the kids AND help James pay the bills.  I am also thankful that we are albe to help others get through their grief....I would have never started this organization if  Ian hadn't passed away.  I hate, HATE, HATE, that Ian isn't here with me...but I'm learning that because of him, I am a stronger person.

This past year has been the hardest year of my life!  It has been a roller coaster ride that I'm not sure I'll ever get off of....I will always miss Ian.  I will always love Ian. But I'm learning to live with out Ian....I'm going to have days where I'm ok...I will laugh.  I will smile. And when people say 'How are you?' I won't have to lie...I can say "I'm good"  but I'm also going to have days that suck!  Days that I just don't feel like getting out of bed and dealing with anyone....but thankfully there aren't as many of those days anymore.  I have learned that its OK to be sad....its OK to be angry...and I'm learning that its OK to be HAPPY!  My grief has defined me for a year now.  But I'm ready, (I know, I know, I've said that before) ready to move forward with my life!  I used to think that moving forward meant that I was betraying Ian...like I was saying that it's OK that he died...It's NOT OK that he died....but...IT IS OK for me to take charge of my life!  I don't want people to look and me and say "oh yeah, that's Becky, her son died, and now she just can't function" I want people to say "yeah, her son Ian died.  But she has turned her negative into a positive for herself, her family, and for GOD".

Part of the reason we wanted to create our care packages was to let women know that they are not alone.  We  include a resource brochure for this very reason. I am constantly looking for new sites and deleting sites that are no longer active and I've recently discovered a site that will be launching very soon!  I'm pretty excited about it!  It's called Still Standing.  It's an online magazine that will feature different writers each month, each and every writer is a baby loss mom.  They will be sharing ways to remember our, babies, how to deal with our grief, and trying to help the grieving mom as much as possible.  I think that it will be an awesome source for moms new (and old) to the baby loss community.  They are having a contributing writers fest as of now, and when I was checking it out I came across:Sisterhood of Loss Support, it has a list of baby loss mom blogs.  I added my blog to it today, so it'll be up in a few days/weeks.  I've never met any of these mom's but we all share a bond....we all love a child that we carried but we had to say goodbye to much to soon. I find it comforting to know that I'm not alone....I hate that other mommy's have to experience the pain....but it is so helpful to read other women's stories.. ..I encourage you to check out these new sites.

Back in February, I mentioned giving a presentation at a friend's church (which just happens to be the church that we started attending about a month ago).....well the presentation went very well!  I started off by telling Ian's story....I got so choked up and if it hadn't been for James I don't know if I could have continued....while he was talking I got my composure.  The ladies were all so sweet.  They listened and a few even asked questions.  I'm glad that we had the opportunity....but man I'm a horrible public speaker!  My friend assured me that we did a good job....but I want to perfect it...I know that its ok to get choked up....but if James hadn't been there I probably would have started sobbing and doing the 'ugly cry'  LOL. 

They held a supply drive for us and here is a list of the things we received: 79 individual packs of tissue, 24 spools of ribbon (white, pink, and blue),20 journals, 19 ink pens,  14 white gift bags, and a check to help with the cost of our elephants!  I am overwhelmed with their generosity!  I feel so humbled and blessed!!!!

AND.....I also ordered 10 more little elephants last night :) 

2nd post of the night.... Haiden turns 2!

I don't usually post things about the Haiden or Brycen on here but I'm very proud of them.  I love them!  And I wanted to tell you about my little diva.  Or as we like to call her "Lola" (remember  that old song "Whatever Lola wants.....Lola Gets" LOL )
Here a few lot  of recent pictures of my Birthday Girl!  Most are from the local children's museum and her birthday party.

My Haidie-Bug is 2 today!  I still can't get over how fast she is growing!  She is very strong willed,GOOFY,playful, demanding (Lola!),prissy, and  she just melts my heart with every smile!  She is a talker...but only we can't understand much of what she is saying.  When it finally 'clicks', we will never get her to stop talking.  I'm so proud to be her mommy!  I often feel guilty because I've spent so much of this past year crying....I feel like I missed so much of her because I was so grief-stricken....but hopefully I've got a lifetime to make it up to her.

(ramblings...) Missing him

Really missing Ian tonight :(   Today is Haiden's birthday and it was a great day...a fun day!  But I can't help but think that we'll never get to have a 'real' birthday party for Ian.  We'll never get to watch him blow out the candles and make a mess with his cake....Sometimes I just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!  Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for all the blessings that I have in my life, I do love my life...but there is and always be something missing....or someONE missing.  I often wonder if people think of him as part of my family.  Or if they were asked "how many children does Becky have?" would they reply 2 or 3....I'm guilty of saying 2....especially if I just don't feel like explaining myself...but I ALWAYS feel guilty for saying it. Like the other night I went to Blimpie to get dinner and one of the employees was banging around in the kitchen and she said "sorry for being so loud" and I laughed and said "its ok...I'm used to loud...my house is loud" which of course prompted the question "oh, how many kids do you have" and I said "2, I have 2 at home"....and then I felt bad...I left out Ian....she then decided to make 'small talk': oh yeah, how old...and when I said a 6year old boy and 2 year old girl, she said "oh that's perfect! A girl AND a boy" and I 'redeemed' myself and said "no, it's not perfect.  I have another little boy, but he didn't make it.  We lost him at 15 weeks" and then of course I got that "pity" look....I hate that look.  Once the look is given....there's no turning back...they no longer want to talk to me....instant shut down....conversation OVER.  

Pictures from Ian's Birthday

Picture that Haiden drew to put on a balloon for Ian

Brycen drew this for Ian (it's Ian as a Ninja, sorry its upside down)

They were both chasing the balloons and Brycen was yelling "Happy Birthday Ian!  I hope its a great day!"

Ian's Birthday

Yesterday was Ian's 1st Birthday.  It wasn't "as bad" as I thought it was going to be.  I had moments where I thought that I just couldn't take anymore...but as long as I stayed busy I was 'ok' .  I still can't believe that it has been a year already.  Some days, I feel like it was yesterday that we had to say goodbye...and then other days it feels like it was a lifetime ago.  I miss him everyday...but the pain isn't as 'fresh' as it used to be (most days anyway).

So what did we do to celebrate Ian's birthday?  We did a few RAKS or Random Acts of Kindness: We left a few quarters in the carts at Aldi's (you have to put a quarter in the cart in order to use it, it helps lower the price of their groceries), we also left plastic bags for people to use (otherwise they would have had to buy them), we put a $10 gas card on a pump, and we donated money to our local non-profit Christian radio station.  ALL in Ian's memory!  It took my mind off of missing him so much and it felt so good to give back.  After we picked up the kids we decided to do a small balloon release.  Brycen and Haiden loved this part....they each 'wrote' a message to Ian on his balloon. Brycen's said: Happy Birthday Ian!  Hope you're having a great time! (I wrote it out for him and he signed it) and they both drew pictures on them. When we let them go they tried to chase the balloons and Brycen kept yelling "Happy Birthday!  Hope its a good day!" over and over....it made me so sad, he wants his brother here with us so badly.  And after dinner we had cupcakes and sang happy birthday to him.  I didn't think I would be able to, but I held it together.  I'm glad that we 'celebrated' his birthday instead of just laying around feeling sorry for ourselves....Lord knows we've had lots of those days, and I'm sure there will be more to come.


Happy Birthday Ian!  Mama and Daddy love you and miss you soo much!  I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms! But until I can get there....save a place for me!!!! I love you little man!!!

  Today (Easter Sunday) has been a very good day.  We all went to church this morning...me in my new dress (my 1st Easter dress in YEARS, usually we just get the kiddos new 'duds') and my hair all straightened (which didn't take very long this time thanks to my wonderful straightener) and I actually felt "cute"  but after church I decided that before we went to my Grandma's house that I should change because my dress was white...but I still wanted to look cute but everything I put on would NOT button!!!  I was devastated!  These clothes fit just last summer.....so I ended up finding something that was 'ok' but I still felt 'blah' and I came out and I told James "I've got to do something" and James who has been going to the gym 3-4 days a week smiled and said 'ok, but you've got to be motivated...not get on the treadmill tonight and then not again for another 2 weeks' and I sighed and said 'that's my problem, I'm not motivated!  I'm not motivated to exercise, I'm not motivated to eat right, I feel like this past year I've been just getting by..' I told him that its time for me to pick up the pieces and finally move forward!  I know it's not going to be easy...I'm still going to have some of those days but it's time.


Then, tonight when I was tucking Brycen into bed, we were reading from his Veggie Tale devotional.   (it's our nightly thing, and sometimes I get more out of it than he does) Tonight's verses was from Ecclesiastes 3:1,4:   ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens: ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
   a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I laughed to myself and then we said his prayers and I came back in the living room.  I told James about it and he laughs and said "yep, God has a way of talking to us, huh'  I feel like God has really been dealing with me lately.  Last week our Pastor's scripture came from John  chap 15 where it talks about Jesus being the one true vine and we should be His branches...well that same night Brycen's devotional had the same verse...and then on Monday night when I went to do my devotional on my kindle it was the SAME verse!! And now this week with the Ecclesiastes verses.  I just goes to show that God will make 'beauty from ashes' I've put the song on here before but it is so fitting so I'm going to link it again. Beauty from Pain ...."After all this has passed, I still will remain, After I've cried my last, they'll be beauty from pain.  Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again...."

A year ago......

Up and down, round and round, squeals all around me.....We were at the zoo with Aut and her family, it was Haiden's first time and we were on the merry-go-round.  Haiden was on  the zebra  and I was holding her on so she wouldn't fall and.....I felt it!  A bump, bump, bump!  I was shocked!  I thought 'Nah, maybe I'm imagining things' but then....bump, bump, bump!  My little one was saying "Hi Mommy, I'm here"  I kept it to myself all day.  It was our little secret....our special moment....just the two of us.  I didn't tell James until the hour long car ride home, he just gave me that slow little crooked grin and said "I'm jealous"  


I was telling Autumn the other day, that I can't tell you exactly where I was at when I felt Brycen and Haiden move for the first time....I can't even tell you how far along I was.....but that is one of my only memories of Ian.....I'll cherish it for the rest of my life!  

April Fool's Day

So, last Feb. when we learned that we were pregnant, I told James that we should wait until April Fool's Day to tell people on Facebook (we told close friend's and family of course)....I told him that it would put us just into our 2nd trimester and it would make for a good laugh.  It was to be our joke/non joke.  This was our post:


Well, ...James and I said that 2 kiddos was it for us unless God decided to play a joke on us... God is laughing. Chandler baby #3 is scheduled to arrive Sept 29. 2011 :) :) ...Surprised? Yeah, so were we!

Everyone got a big kick out of it.  But I can't help but feel that the joke was on us.  11 days later he was gone....in reality I'm sure it was less than that.  I felt him move April 4th.....and then James was actually able to feel a little "bump bump" probably 5 days later and then honestly after that I don't remember feeling him move much more.  I remember telling my mom that we had felt the baby move but I hadn't felt him move in a day or so but we both just chalked it up to me being "too early" and not feeling every little move that he made..... 

I still can't believe that it has been almost a year!  Sometimes I feel like it was the longest year in history and then other times, it feels like it has flown by in a big hazy blur.  Lately, the littlest things set me off.  I'm reminded constantly that Ian isn't here...