where I'm at today....

I got this idea off of another baby loss mom's blog....

Today Ian has been gone for 1 year, 1 month, 2 weeks, and 5 days.....how am I handling things?  I have to say I'm doing well!  I'm constantly reminded that Ian isn't here, and I'm sad about that....and I think I always will be, however, I'm not immobilized by my grief anymore.  I can talk about him without tearing up, I can look at a infant and not instantly want to hide....I can even be completely happy for pregnant people. These things may sound trivial but to me their huge.  Losing Ian put me in a funk....it turned me into someone that I barely recognized....I'm still not the girl I was before I lost him...I'm stronger now.  Life will never go back to normal...not my old normal anyway...but I'm finding my new normal....and I'm finding that it's not all bad.  Life isn't a fairy tale.  There are going to be storms but we stand strong in our faith and when the storm is over, we clean up the mess and we carry on.   

Mother is not a noun it's a verb

I read this and just had to share....I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.http://www.lauraziesel.com/2012/05/mother-is-verb.html?m=1

the side effects of grief....

It can hit you at any given moment....that unexplainable  deep rooted ache.  It's almost physical....your stomach clenches...your chest feels heavy....and you just can't seem to think straight.   You blink back the tears because you don't want people to see you cry....because if anyone asks what's wrong...you can't quite put your finger on the words to express how your feeling....  and even if you could would they truly understand your pain.  After all its been over a year now. The pain was supposed to go away...but it never really does, not entirely.

This is how I'm feeling at this very moment.  All day long I was FINE...and then all of a sudden a commercial for "Olivia" comes on....Olivia is a cartoon on Nick Jr....her little brother's name is Ian.  I miss him so much....I know that I've never physically seen him...except on sonograms....but I held him in my womb for nearly 4 months (just a day shy...we had the d&c on Wed. I would've been 16 weeks on Thurs) I carried him with me EVERY WHERE I went.  I watched my stomach grow ..just enough for a baby bump....got the privilege to feel him move...just a few times....He's my child....I long to see him grow up into the man that I had hopes and dreams of him becoming...  instead I'm doing things in his memory.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IAN'S ELEPHANTS and everything that we stand for...but given the chance I would rather have Ian here with me.  He'd be about 7 months right now if we had carried to term...chunky and happy or maybe skinny and cranky....either way he'd be here!  I long to kiss his slobbery face and chase after him...and even change his diapers...because that's what mommys do!

Mother's Day is Sunday.  I used to love Mother's Day.  It was a day to celebrate being a Mom.  And while I'm soooo very blessed to have Brycen and Haiden here with me....I don't feel complete without Ian here.( I always feel guilty saying/thinking that...I don't want anyone to ever think that I'm not proud and happy to have Bryce and Haidie because I AM...they bring me SO much joy!!)  I'm in the process of trying to make the grandma's gifts...I saw an pic on pinterest....it was a quote that said "The best things in life, aren't things" and then it had kids hand prints on it. I was contemplating doing this but it doesn't feel right....Ian's prints won't be on it.  I wish they could be.  I wish I was chasing after Ian, who would be chasing after Haiden, who is constantly chasing after Brycen.....sounds exhausting...but oh so happy!  

confused....(ramblings)

I woke up this morning with a strange idea....it didn't even feel like mine.  The only thing I can think...is that God is trying to tell me something.  I had this 'thought', for lack of a better word, that I should have another baby...but for some reason I had/have it in my head that this (really kinda fictional) baby... is going to die too.  That God wants me to have faith that even though my pain is bad( and going to get worse?) that he will be with me and make my pain go away.....ok so telling James about this, it sounded silly...and writing it out sounds REALLY silly...but I have struggled with this 'thought' all day!  I have prayed about it, read scripture, thought about it, talked to James about it, cried about it....and I have NO CLUE what in the world these thoughts mean.  Maybe it's my 'crazy' coming out....I don't know. Maybe God just wants me to have FAITH in general.  Faith that the(future 'fictional') baby will be healthy....or faith that if the(future 'fictional') baby does die He will see me through?? Or both?  Maybe this isn't even God speaking to me.  Maybe...my own fears about future children are just warping my brain.  But here's the thing....James and I have decided that we are done.....he is going to get a vasectomy and everything.  Unless God shows James and I BOTH that we need to try for 1 more....I just don't see it happening.  Ugh....just when I thought my grief was getting better, I start having crazy ideas.  I don't ask for this on here often (if ever) but please pray for us (and if you aren't a believer then keep us in your thoughts) .  Pray that I will find peace about this whole situation.  Missing Ian has been hard!  But I've never really put any thought into having more children....and the idea of another pregnancy scares the crap out of me!  I can handle another baby (I'd be stressed to the max but I'd be a 'happy' kinda stressed) but I don't know if I can handle the anxiety of another pregnancy....if you've read my whole blog, you know that I didn't make a 'great' pregnant person....morning sickness (that got worse with each child...I lost at least 10lbs with each child in the first trimester) headaches in the 2nd trimester, leg cramps and high BP in the 3rd trimester (with Haiden and Brycen, I only made it to the 2nd trimester with Ian) .....add anxiety over wondering if we will lose another baby to the normal pregnancy stuff and I don't think I can do it!  More than that I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!  I want Ian! Having another child will not replace him.  And if I can't have him then .....I won't say I don't want another child...but I don't want to TRY for another child.  I would rather just have the 3 kiddos and go about my merry way.  I know to some I may sound harsh but I'm honestly freaking out over here.  These 'thoughts' weren't just a passing feeling.  It was deep rooted....  I felt them as soon as I woke up. I was still in the half sleep/but not quite awake state and the feeling just hit me like a ton of bricks...I don't remember having any dreams about Ian or any other children (alive or future ) last night, so I don't think that is where it came from.  If you've read this whole post...I'm sorry.  I know that its a bunch of ramblings and nonsense but I had to get it out.   I've said it before....some things that are on this blog are NEVER said aloud...to any one.  I talked to James about this...but I don't see myself saying any thing to any one else.....most people will think I'm crazy.  But the beauty of the blog is....you can't see my face...so if you do think I'm crazy....I'll never know ;)