painful memories....

Today Sarah and I were going to take 5 packages to a local hospital (not the one where Ian was 'born' but the one where we had Brycen) but Sarah had to work late...so I went solo.  The moment I got on the elevator my breathing increased....my mind starting wandering....and when I got on to the actual ward they had the blinds open to the nursery, so family could see their new little bundle....I had to look. I shouldn't have.  There (s)he was....wailing...beautiful... but someone else's, not mine.   I wanted to turn around and run for the door. But I quickly adverted my eyes and pushed forward.  I got buzzed in thinking that would be the worst of it....wrong.  As I'm walking down the hallway I hear babies crying and new mommies laughing.  I didn't want to be there!  I felt jealous! I felt ashamed! I felt like the walls were coming in on me....but I kept going.  When I finally made it to my destination my 'contact person' was there...I love her! She was the nurse that was on duty when we delivered Brycen.  Her presence calmed me. For a moment I knew why I kept walking... Well until I had to go back down the 'dreaded' hallway.  I made it to my car before I sobbed....and sobbed...and sobbed.  I wasn't expecting to feel that way.  I've taken packages there before, and I was fine.  But today, the memories just flooded back.  Different hospital mind you...but the feeling was the same...every other lady there got to bring her baby home. Except. Me. They got to hold and cuddle their baby.  To hear their babies wail.  To have well wishers bringing in balloons and goodies in attempts of seeing the new little one. To bring their babies home.  I didn't.  Not with my Ian.

Angel Oak

Last weekend we took the kids to Charleston for the day. We went to Kiawah Island and to see the Angel Oak.  This tree is huge!   We ate lunch first and then decided to get a few pictures.  James had Haiden with him taking pics and I had Brycen.....I overheard this lady ask her husband "what does that look like to you?" so I look up at what she's showing him and its an elephant!!!!  When I see an elephant (any kind....real, stuffed, on a shirt ...) I always think of Ian.  So to see an elephant in this 1400+ year old tree shocked me.  It was like Ian was saying "hi mom! I'm ok!"  I still miss him so much!  And I love being reminded that he's still with me.....even its only in my heart.  His original due date is about a month away....and I can't help but to  think of all the things we should be doing with him....we should be planning his 1st birthday party! He should be learning to walk and finding ways to annoy his brother and sister....

Beautiful!

On my way home from work today I heard this song...I'm sure I've heard it before but today it spoke to me.  When Ian first passed I felt like such a failure!  I felt like it was all my fault....I felt worthless, and dirty even.  One of the first things I said to James after we heard the news was "I'm sorry".  I felt like I was supposed to keep him safe!  And I felt like I let him down.....

This song reminds me that God made me beautiful!  God made me special!  I am His! and He is mine!  He loves me....it's that simple.  My favorite line of the song is "you are so much more than all of this....your beautiful"  .....I didn't cause Ian's death.....and even though it still hurts, and sometimes I still play the 'what if' game....I can't wish that Ian never existed.  God CHOSE me to be Ian's mommy....and that makes me feel special....

up and running :)

Our computer is finally FIXED!!!! It feels great to be able to write with out the worry of my computer crashing or overheating on me.


A lot is happening with Ian's Elephants!  We are really growing (not necessarily in numbers but in strength)! We have had 2 successful fundraisers and a couple large donations....which means a lot to us!!! It means we can order the business cards that we desperately need, we can have a REAL website, and we can order more care packages materials with out worrying about where the funds are going to come from...I know that these funds will not last forever...but I am so thankful for them!!!!  15 care packages will be going out tomorrow....5-15 going out within the next 2 weeks...and a (possible) new donation stop..

We have also added 2 new admins!!!!  I briefly mentioned them on my last post...both of these ladies are friends from high school (James' ) and they are great!  They aren't afraid to get in and get their hands dirty.  They have been a very welcome addition!  I love these ladies so much!!!


I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you!  I have been so overwhelmed with support and love and I know that we could not have done it with out you!!! Thank you!